We had a nice and quiet Anniversary weekend. Friday, we went over to a friend’s house, ordered in sushi, and played “Cards Against Humanity.” Well, everyone else played while i listened. It was a good time for everyone, i think. Sir Raven got a chance to work on her presentation with Daddy Ben. i’m nervous about it, frankly. i always tense up and i’m not sure why, except for the topic.
Saturday morning, Sir Raven made a delicious breakfast of sausage and grits. She makes the best grits in the whole, wide world. 🙂 We enjoyed a quiet day at home. She curled up in her chair with her laptop and i curled up on my playpen with mine. We shared stories and pictures and giggles. i gave her new pj’s, which i think she liked. She is always surprised when i give her a gift on our Anniversary, which is funny. It’s the least i could do.
Sunday was pretty good. i got all of the clothes washed with minimum stress at the laundry mat. Yay! i walked home carefully with fresh bread and turkey, cigarettes and chips along with the bundle of two loads of laundry. When i got everything put away, Sir Raven reminded me about learning how to use Second Life. We did the topic of gratitude, which was lovely. i wanted to do it for a podcast but was outvoted by the Masters. It was actually a nice chat. i was surprised, like i always am, to hear s-types discuss their frank annoyance at orders, or the need to get things done. i don’t think i ever had the sense that i wasn’t supposed to be actively looking for work to do, finding ways to be pleasing, adapting to the wants of people around me. Even with things that are hard for me, like having no chocolate or treats or extra coffee without explicit permission is something that i just remind myself that this is an opportunity to submit with grace. What good is my submission to her will if most of it is easy?
Slavery isn’t about easy. It’s not about sexy fun times. It’s me going out before a blizzard to gather anything Sir Raven may want in the next few days and standing on line for two hours. It’s me obeying, even when i think i can handle doing a task myself and her desire is to do it instead. It’s being conscious of Sir Raven all of the time. It’s sweat, toil, mindfulness, flexibility. It’s removing disappointment by focusing on gratitude. It’s silence when i want to speak. It’s creating calm energy when i feel bouncy.
There were a lot of walls that were ripped down long before i met Sir Raven. Sometimes, i wonder if she would have torn them down herself. i don’t think much of things like marital rape, personal space, individuality when it relates to me. It wouldn’t occur to me to be bad, even though Sir Raven teases me about this on occasion. The truth is that i long to hear “good girl” or “I’m proud of you” or “You made me happy.” Ironically, Sir Raven is disinclined to tell me these things often. She might say one of them a couple times a year.
i knock myself out for her without the praise. It’s my job to adapt to her. So, when we were talking on Sunday about her desire for more formality in public (less of me calling her “honey” like i do at home), she said what would make her happy is to only hear “Sir Raven.” Then, she asked me what i wanted to call her and it ended up a weird, circular conversation. She doesn’t always answer to Sir Raven but does always hear me when I say “Master.” She is my Master, my Owner, and i feel nothing but pride and adoration when i say so. i had questioned if i might call her Master more often. But then she commented about what would make her happy, and my ideas didn’t matter any longer, even if i feel very confident that it would do good things for our relationship. i don’t often make suggestions and tend to do so after a very prolonged period of testing out a theory or idea. Anyhow, by the time i do make a suggestion, i’m pretty convinced it is an important matter and a way to give what is needed.
After the talk, and the interesting adventure that is Second Life, i napped and Sir Raven surprised me again by cooking dinner. She really pampered me by also cleaning up the kitchen, which i appreciated perhaps more than the meal itself. i was so exhausted yesterday. She opened the bottle of Korbel and we toasted each other. i was having some sexy time thoughts until i was slapped with facing the reality that she had to work today, when i thought she was off work. We are facing a Blizzard here in New York and all over New England, so i’m sending out a prayer that everyone is safe.