The Owner is Masterfully snoring in her sleep. i’ve been up for awhile, meditated, made french press, and read a blog or two. i thought i heard the super’s voice out in the hall and i softly padded back into the bedroom to dress. i’m wearing the new wrap dress and baby blue sweater Sir Raven bought me. i also have on my warmest socks and leggins because it’s very cold in the livingroom. From what i heard outside, it’s still snowing. i’m used to Tennessee snow, which for some reason has larger and fatter snowflakes than New York. i often can’t see the snow, which is pretty sad for a little girl who grew up in Florida.
i’m delighted we have electricity and internet. Yay! i’m thankful that my adopted Auntie made sure i knew to freeze quartz sized bags with water overnight so i had a way to not loose food if we lost electric. i would have never thought of that which is why she checked in on me. My Jewish family checked in too, sending prayers for safety. It’s nice to be remembered. We are all people who met because of the scene but learned so much more from each other than what we do in the dungeon.
i’ve gotten some difficult news from my school that i’m still trying to process. They somehow don’t grasp that a person with fibromyalgia takes longer to heal from sickness and injury. It’s very frustrating. i hate how fibro makes me feel like less of a person, less competent and able, less understood. Sir Raven and Karida get it because they have lived with me and watched how much effort it is for me to get through chores, shopping, homework. They have also been around when i can hardly move. The only thing good about fibro is it ties me closer to Sir Raven. No one else would put up with this in a slave. i’m hoping that medical pot happens quickly here so i can get some relief.
My family relied on my needing the pain relief and controlled me through pot for years. i have never purchased it myself and don’t even know how to roll a joint. They had a live in servant so it was in their best interests to keep me out of too much pain to function. i tied my survival to my mother and her happiness.
Now, i link my survival to my Master and her happiness. That’s job security. Heh. Provided she is mostly pleased with me and i don’t require too much work, i never worry about being replaced or cast aside. Frankly, i’ve never known feeling certain that i wouldn’t be abandoned before Sir Raven. i’ve never known for sure that i would be cared for no matter what. It’s amazing what energy i have to put into her because i feel secure in my place. It’s amazing what an emotional time sucking bastard it is to not have these kinds of certainties. Her drug of choice, as it were, is control and she gets that need met through me. She gets obedience, cheerfulness, adoration, service. i wait on her hand and foot. There is nothing in my life prioritized over her. i am willing and have shown that i will turn myself inside out for her. i find it far easier to accept that my life before her was abusive because it left me bare in many ways, without a sense of purpose if i wasn’t of service, without a sense that i should have my own ideas or wants constantly. It saved her some work, i suppose.
i think i was hardwired for this life anyhow. There are people who came from physical, sexual, and emotional abuse and instead of ending up like me became something the opposite. i just have fewer boundaries than most. i think, actually, that Sir Raven has more boundaries for me than what i would have for myself. Recently, in a podcast, the question was tossed out about if a slave has some right to their sexuality. i jumped in pretty quickly and asserted that i don’t have that right. For one thing, if i did, we’d have tons more sex. i am more inclined to initiate, if i was permitted to, but there are restrictions about how i can touch her unless invited. Beyond that, though, i wouldn’t think much of it if she told me to fuck a man. i’d figure she had already ascertained his health and had a plan to make sure i wouldn’t be knocked up. i don’t even have to think about if i would do it. Would that make me not a lesbian? No. That part i don’t think anyone can change. But on an emotional register, its rather like doc martins. The first fall we went boot shopping, i was surprised when she wanted to purchase those for me. i wrinkled up my nose and protested that i wasn’t a boy. Today, i find them incredibly sexy because they are sexy to Sir Raven. i’m just wired that way. If she finds something sexy, i will develop a taste for it, even if i actively disliked the thing itself. We talked about this a few days ago and she asked me if that would be true of the strap. Yes. It would. All she has to do is link it to sex and tell me she is happy and proud of me and i’ll develop a desire for it, even as i continue to actively hate it.
She is thinking of trying it out, i think. Her voice got excited by the idea and she made this sound that she doesn’t know she makes…which is what one would make after a particularly delicious meal. Logically speaking, it would be a good thing for her to use the strap for reasons other than punishment because it would help with her feelings of being conflicted. i find that feelings of confliction in a Master are best worked out, even as i’m aware that if she does successfully work it out, i could reasonably expect to be punished more frequently. Neither of us like that but she does like the especially docile girl that emerges on the other side. i am always more eager than normal, if that is possible, to please her. Desperate to please her.
Nothing else matters.