Since i was asked to share it, here is some of my advice and insights for people who want to be a live-in slave.
1. Master’s are nearly universally highly idiosyncratic people.
Seriously. i have yet to meet a Master who doesn’t have strong opinions about toilet tissue, both the brand and the direction it “should” go on the roll. Or, in my case, that it should not go on the roll at all, because she doesn’t like how it fits.
Get mentally used to having your previous notions about how to do things be challenged constantly. Get prepared for the idea that there may be nothing that you are considered to be the expert in, or in charge of, or having your own special domain. Sir Raven says the kitchen is mine, for example. What she means by this is it is “mine” to cook in, though she may come home and decide she wants a totally different meal. It’s mine to clean, but she approves and limits the cleaning supplies. It’s “mine” but i can’t buy new furniture or get rid of furniture that is there or buy a toaster. Get the idea?
2. Be leery of Master’s who think that some person out there will match their ticker tape list of what a slave “should be.”
Sir Raven would have never put out to the Universe to get a legally bind slave, for example. She didn’t overlook what did truly matter to her: that i was a “work horse” and looked for ways to be pleasing and accommodating. She noted that i was always working, cheerful, and went out of my way to buy her brand of coffee and make her iced-coffee so she could get her day going in the hot Florida sun.
3. Make sure your values and character traits match well.
That drastically limits the number of things that clash. However, that doesn’t mean that there won’t be some surprises for both of you. i went through a period, for example, that i desperately wanted to get legally married to Sir Raven. In a spiritual sense, we both consider ourselves to be married, and bound by the same promises made in any wedding. From a legal standpoint, we are domestic partners and few legal rights are associated with this. It hurt me that Sir Raven was unwilling to even have a real conversation and to understand what my reasons for wanting a legal marriage for years. When she did decide to hear me out, i was able to accept that she didn’t want to get married again and not take it so personally.
Obviously, it’s a major life decision and a major difference of desires. i’m her slave, first and foremost, and always will be. And so i have to accept. Anything she feels pressured about is something she won’t want. We define the word “pressure” very differently. Asking to talk about this topic three times in three years was “pressure” to her.
Other than that, our values are closely aligned. Sometimes, you find that out through stressful situation, times when you let each other down, and illness. That is when you can actually assess what a person is made of. Make sure you are the person you say you are.
Do you give up when you are sick or push yourself? Do you feel it is acceptable to swear, yell, and loose your temper under extreme stress or are you able to work though extreme feelings without expressing them in a disrespectful manner? Can you see that you are wrong on your own and express remorse?
4. Learn to accept radical honesty and criticism.
Practice by asking people to critique your work honestly. Bonus points if you choose something you think you do really well. Trust me, your future Master will find fault and be openly critical, even of things that you think you do well or have expertise in. Handling that kind of information with a cheerful attitude takes practice and humility.
5. Learn self-care and soothing skills.
Meditation is wonderful, as it can be done anywhere and anytime. Putting work into your spirituality helps too, for those times that you are exhausted in every sense and have to keep going.
6. Accept that you will experience some form of denial.
Do you like to talk through issues? That might not be an option. Do you like to blow of stress by taking a walk? That may not be permitted. Whatever current ways you handle stress, pain, illness, and frustration might not be permitted. Having a variety of ways to deal with this helps a whole lot. Personally, i liked to walk away when i thought someone was being an Ass. Guess what? Your Master might be an Ass at times, for absolutely no reason, and you can’t just walk away. As one Master liked to say, “A slave always has the last word: yes, Master.”
7. If you are a parent, then remember what it felt like to have a young child. If you did not enjoy that part of parenting, You might not enjoy being a slave.
Remember the time period when you must always be “on”, where you are constantly checking and double-checking for comfort, where you had to think ahead to pack whatever might be wanted, where you had no time that was your own and lacked all feelings of privacy. Those things are the same for me as a slave.
There is no time where i’m off duty. i spend my time when Sir Raven is home quietly engaged in activity she approves of but am constantly listening and looking for whatever she may need before she needs it. i think ahead to have on hand whatever she might want. i often pack snacks in my bag for her when we will be out all day, to keep her sugar up and temper down. 🙂
i answer the phone when it’s her from the bathtub and pee with the door open. Everything inside of the house is my responsibility so i have a constant list in my head.
8. Learn a variety of skills, so you can be as useful as possible for your Master.
i do all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and errands. i’ve also taken notes, done transcription, worked on presentations, had to participate on panels and groups, worked on my education, took notes on classes and created questions for her book discussion, worked on an essay that was published, worked on podcasts, been a sounding board, done pedicures, learned massage and reflexology, and learned to clean her boots. i also know basic plumbing and pest control, which is always appreciated-it’s nice when the slave can at least plunge a toilet. i can also pack and help her dress, help create meaningful rituals, and work toward creating and maintaining how she likes me to look. i put effort into my look, learning what kinds of clothes she likes to see me in. i put on make-up and do my hair daily. i make the effort to look nice, smell nice, and not look haggard or exhausted, even when i am.
9. There is absolutely nothing whatsoever wrong with being submissive, sexually submissive, a girl, or any other configuration of relationship style.
Being a slave for me is a calling, and i do this for the same reasons i wanted to be a nun as a child. If i could be happy and feel fulfilled being in a Daddy/girl dynamic, i’d do that instead. Frankly, it’s much easier and you have a lot more autonomy and rights. If i was sexually submissive only, that would be easier still, and there is nothing wrong with that. i have yet to meet a real life “pleasure slave.” You know why? Because Masters are not independently wealthy and able to afford so many slaves that one can be devoted to just fucking and sucking. Someone has to clean that kitchen and scrub the toilet every day. In our case, my Master would get bored pretty damn fast anyone with someone who was around just for her sexual gratification. She wants a geisha-like companion, a person who can hold a conversation and she’d expect at least that from anyone she’d fuck.
My point is that there is no wrong way to form a relationship and there isn’t any kind of hierarchy that places “slave” at the top of an imaginary totem pole. If anything, if there was a totem pole, i’d place being myself lower. i’m more flexible and willing to bend, more amenable to doing way more than my share of work, and less interested in having things go my way (if i even have one) than most people. In any given group, i more likely to be submissive, passive, interested in making everyone feel good and welcomed. i literally can’t make a decision until i know what everyone else’s needs and wants are, much to my Master’s chagrin at times. i am here to be made use of, to be a vessel, to be a blank canvas she can write on, and a statute she will break through to discover. i am here to be a cook, maid, valet, errand girl, sexual object, Priestess, geisha, and anything else Sir Raven desires. That means i cannot provide some other things she desires because she wants it, but not from me. For this reason alone, i value other dynamic styles. There is no right way, other than the way that fulfills and creates growth, love, acceptance, and pride.