Sorry

i say, “i’m sorry” very often.  i am, be design, a passive communicator.  i’ve tried, over the years, to be assertive but the truth is that people respond to this as if i’m a raging bitch because they are so used to my passive style that it feels bad to the person hearing it.  This has made me even more passive.

The more upset i am, the more passive i become.

The more physical pain i am in, the more passive i become.

Recently, Sir Raven and i shared a lovely meal with another Master, who cooked for us.  As a slave who cooks every day, it feels rather luxurious to have someone else cook, even if it does feel strange to sit and do nothing.  i was fairly relieved when the meal was over and i had a chance to do anything remotely productive.  i washed the dishes, wiped down the counter tops and stove, wiped down the microwave, and swept the floor.  Turning to the table, Sir Raven handed me the hot sauce to put away, and i didn’t know where they went.  i’m a guest in this house.  Thankfully, the Master is a structured person. so it was really easy for me to look in the most obvious place to locate what i needed without having to ask.  The hot sauce though presented an issue, and i was upset that i had to be a bother and ask where it went.  When i asked, i said, “i’m sorry that i don’t know where this goes.  Could you show me, please?”

The Master said that i shouldn’t say, “I’m sorry.”  That there was nothing to be sorry about.  That it made it seem as if i didn’t have my own mind.

And i thought, i don’t have my own mind; i have the mind i was given.

For the most part, this is true.  Whatever natural default settings i might have ever had for most things is nonexistent.  Hell, i was in my mid-twenties and had owned two homes of my own before it occurred to me that i actually hated the smell of pine-sol and could stop using it as the main cleaning agent in the house.  My mother loved the smell and i cleaned her bathroom and the kitchen daily.  The whole damn house reeked.  i was convinced that i loved the smell too.  i was using it even when we lived in other states.  The idea that i could just stop, the idea that i actually hated the smell, was so foreign i just stood in the middle of my kitchen in shock.

Those kinds of events, where i know i have my own mind, are pretty rare.  i’m more aware of issues around sensory overload, so i might have a huge issue is Sir Raven wanted to paint the walls neon pink.  But if it wasn’t something that was going to cause a problem with my service, i might not even notice.  i might not care if i do notice.  It isn’t very relevant to me, my own thoughts, wants, preferences.

To that end, i am sorry when something gets in the way of me bending gracefully.  Of me being able to silently complete a task.  When i walk into things and it draws attention to me.  When something happens-even the weather-and i can’t do a damn thing to change it for people i care about.

i thought about what the Master said, considering it seriously for several days.  When i told Sir Raven that what i really had was the mind i was given, she understood exactly what i was saying.  Sir Raven doesn’t like it when i say, “i’m sorry” and she thinks i shouldn’t be sorry.  The reason she doesn’t like it is that to her, it looks like i’m responding to life like an abuse victim.

My mother had the same issue with me holding my shoulders high and tight, like i was always waiting to be hit.  No matter that i was always waiting to be hit some days.  i shouldn’t look that way.  She had to teach me to hold my shoulders back, my head high, and to move through the world like i owned the space when i need to.  Trust me, in a hospital, no one gets in my way.  i will get to my loved one’s-period.  i can affect a take-no-shit attitude when i need to.  But it drains me, i have to shut down parts of myself to do it.  Even not holding my body in a rigid way is a practiced behavior, practiced until it felt more normal.

My mother tried to mess with the “i’m sorry” thing.  She ended up getting angry more often, broke my nose, hitting me with anything she could find (No wire hangers! ha ha!).  It reinforced the concept that i damn well should be sorry, should be passive, should communicate passively unless i am being paid to do otherwise.

Sir Raven tried to mess with the “i’m sorry” thing too.

What she found was that barking angrily at me made me silent, because all i could think of to say was, “i’m sorry” and i became so nervous and upset at not being right that my shoulders went up in defeat.  She deduced that this was worse, and left me alone.

Like it or not, i am sorry when i can’t create what it needed, wanted, expected, wished for.  Even if it’s not my fault, or was an accident.  Communication has to be honest and it can’t be if i’m monitoring every single word.

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7 thoughts on “Sorry

  1. Yingtai says:

    So many hugs!

    I think in this respect we are only superficially similar. The last time someone in the scene commented that I apologise too much, I got a naughty look on my face and I said, “I am SO SORRY! I should revamp my whole speech style to make you more comfortable!” I still think I deserved an LOL back on that one.

    But the fact is that I think I apologise because I feel powerful. I think I should be able to do things right. I only figured that out after Joshua Tenpenny said of his master, “He apologises for the weather.” That’s me.

    It sounds like that’s really *not* you. And I think it’s wonderful that Sir Raven is smart enough to figure out how not to make things worse. For the rest: HUGS.

  2. jadescastle says:

    That is funny! Okay, so, first- when i was talked to about the apologizing i actually desperately wanted to apologize for how i speak. And, yes, i do apologize for the weather….because i do actually feel bad when something (even the weather) got in the way of their plans and desires and expectations. i sort of wish i could manage everything, so Sir Raven was never unhappy, frustrated, and annoyed by life.

    i try, really hard, to make the effort to have less passive communication for Sir Raven’s comfort. It would be a lot more comfortable for me to be silent and serve. That isn’t what she wants so i have to talk in public. In private, i’m quiet more than i speak most days. i follow her desires. Sir Raven was there during the talk, sitting right behind me. Her comment was, “Jade can’t talk to you right now, because if she opens her mouth, it’s going to be to say, “I’m sorry.”

    i’m a very passive person-that is why we get along so easily…large brains carefully hidden behind exceptionally passive manners. Heh.

  3. morgianacontentlycaptured says:

    Just smiling at you. 🙂

  4. audi says:

    I use to be a person who said ‘i’m sorry” all the time. I would say it because I felt bad something went wrong or I was sad I couldn’t help. It wasn’t til Sir Kaddan really got me to see what saying “i’m sorry” really said to people, that I was just basically saying, “I really don’t care, I am going to just say this blanket statement rather than actually talk though things.” She said the times when I was actually “sorry” that I should apologize, but never say “i’m sorry.” Thinking back on it, I wouldn’t ever want someone I was whole heartedly apologizing to to think that I was blowing them off by not caring enough to actually think about what to say.
    However it is a very hard habit to break.

    • jadescastle says:

      audi,
      That is an interesting way to look at it. Personally, i would never “blow someone off” when they are frustrated, upset, irritated, whatever. i do genuinely feel bad. i do think talking through actual problems (not the weather kind of problem) is necessary and people should not be too quick to apologize without really understanding another person’s point of view. i go to great lengths to do exactly that. Because i’m an empath, i do generally know how a person is feeling and am sensitive to the moods of people i care about. Anyone who knows me knows these things about me. 🙂

      • Audi says:

        jade,
        I wouldn’t ever “blow someone off” either. So when Sir said that, it horrified me to think that anyone may see my intent as such. Perhaps Sir was being dramatic to make a point, either way it worked for me and made me more mindful about how I speak and how other people perceive what I say.
        I hope however what I said in the last reply didn’t come across as me saying you or anyone for that matter was blowing someone off, as that isn’t what I meant. I was using the example that Sir gave me. See I worry a lot and even now have the urge to say “sorry” just in case I misstated something.
        I agree though that taking the time to understand someone else point is key in good communications in general and can slow the the process of just saying sorry so easily.

      • jadescastle says:

        It’s okay…i feel like i should be apologizing too. 🙂 i appreciate that you commented and i understood that you were only citing Master Kaddan’s example and her perspective. (hugs) to you)

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