On: Loosing Yourself

We had a new MAsT member come to our group.  In the slave circle she asked, “What happens if you loose yourself?”

Several slaves said they did not loose themselves or even parts of their identity.

i calmly said that i have.

i have lost access to my sexual parts, my ability to enchant, to choose, to have a default setting that is mine, to have a separate identity or want to have one, to have any inkling that i could have a good or worthwhile life without Sir Raven.

And that is okay with me.  Life is a trade-off and i have yet to have any truly valuable experience as a woman that did not include some kind of self-sacrifice.

i lost parts of myself as a mother, as a teacher, and certainly as a daughter.

As a mother, my life centered around teaching, guiding, loving, and giving to others.  i lost the opportunity to be care-free, wild with abandon, or have youthful mistakes effect only me.  And i’d do it all again.  My youth was traded for something higher, something better than i could have been without motherhood teaching me lessons and filling my life with a constant source of joy.

As a teacher, i could not enjoy many forms of self-expression.  i was young and never had a “drastic” hairstyle, or got a tattoo, or drank in public.  i remained celibate for years, in fact, because i was dedicated to the profession and lived in a state that forced me to choose between teaching and loving women.  And i’d do it all again because i learned more than i taught.

Being a slave is no different.

i trade parts of myself, part of my self-expression, part of my youth, a sense of my individuality in favor for something better than i would ever be on my own.

Without Sir Raven, my wonderful Master, i would not have the ability to learn about myself and grow as her slave. We need each other as a counter-point, as a completion, as a training ground, as pebbles rubbing against each other to become smooth and graceful.

Being a woman and a slave allows me to give of myself in ways that are unique to me, even if i must loose parts of myself.

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