Sir Raven warned me, early on, that should she ever choose to have someone else join our family it would fall to me to provide instruction. i’m here first, at this point three years in, and i know a great deal about what pleases her and how she likes things done. It makes sense, from a logical standpoint. It doesn’t take into account some things that i don’t understand how it would work.
You know how slaves and submissives are constantly proclaiming, “I’m not a doormat!”
Well, in some ways, i am. i can’t count how many times in life i’ve been told by someone well-meaning that i should “just stand up for myself,” or “just stop being walked all over,” or being reminded, “You are not a doormat.”
In almost any group, i tend to be the most passive. i’m the person who will make the beds of Master’s and slaves alike, with no compunction about doing it. i’ll take the dirty jobs and don’t think that is bad. i don’t have many personal boundaries at all, both from a nature and a nurture standpoint. i don’t evaluate orders before executing them. i tend to be the most flexible person in any group, able to be happy to do whatever i think is most pleasing. i think of myself last, always, if at all.
So, i could be First Girl one day.
We had some trial runs, basically, and what i learned is that i am extremely comfortable explaining what Sir Raven wants and needs done. i’m comfortable making sure someone has the tools for the job and an adequate understanding of what the final product should be.
i’m extremely uncomfortable if the person balks, or goes ahead and does their own thing, or gives me an attitude problem when i genuinely trying to help. Then i don’t know what to do and i become very passive, because i’m upset and confused.
Also, Sir Raven doesn’t want to hear about every frustration and annoyance in my life. i don’t blame her a bit, who would? That tends to bleed over into relationship frictions as well, where i am disinclined to share problems with her and i don’t know where to draw the line about what she needs to know and what can remain unsaid.
One item that compounds it is that the type of person Sir Raven would choose to be another family member is going to by default be more aggressive than i am. She wants some push back, some banter, some decisiveness, some aggressiveness or maleness-just not from me. i suppose those traits don’t preclude a person being able to take directions from me, but it does tend to work out that way.
Personally, i only have interest in being First Girl because it’s what Sir Raven wants. Personality wise, i’d make a far better Second Girl, i think. That would make zero sense here though, since i have been here learning her ways for so long.
Right now, we are both happy with is just being us. i’m very thankful that she doesn’t feel lacking with just me and that we get time to have a strong foundation, come what may.