i’ve been here a few different times to write, started at the blank page, and felt i had nothing to say.
i’m having a lot of physical ache, the bone deep kind, and a strange issue with a swollen right calf. i’ve been walking more and even done yoga a few times. i’m feeling a lot of frustration with the pain and some deep shame about my body. i’m feeling some hatred.
i’m having some emotional ache, the soul searching kind, where i feel deep pain at the lack of s/m. Where i don’t feel desired or lusted after. i wonder if it’s my body. And then i feel shame because everything else in my relationship is pretty damned amazing. We truly enjoy each other, laugh all of the time, share affection and quiet times. We have been working on a big art project, which is going well so far. We hang out and watch tv, and i always encourage her to relax, rest, enjoy her time away from work.
i am frustrated at the fibro, always holding me back. i’ve gone to bed crying twice in the last two weeks because the pain was so bad. i am working hard at keeping the house up, doing everything on my lists most days, doing yoga and sometimes meditation, and walking close to two miles a day. i’m trying to eat right but find myself careening wildly from obsessive thoughts about cupcakes to obsessive thoughts about weight loss, neither of which is helpful.
i wake up many times a night, most nights. i sleep the best when i nap when Sir Raven is home. i cherish those times when i feel safe, when i know she is safe, and can get some good sleep.
As always, there is so much to be grateful for. Sir Raven loves me just as i am. She thinks to tell me i’m beautiful sometimes, and it seems to come when i really can appreciate it. She thinks to let me know i’m sexy to her, the way she will stop to fondle a breast, to run her hands in my hair, or touch my throat. And i need those messages. i can’t pretend that i did not grow up in a culture where sex is shorthand for saying those things, for making statements about relationships. Really, our relationship is deep full, honest, and wonderful. We have sex and do s/m on her terms, just like everything else in our relationship.
i’m grateful to have the time off of school, so i can focus on my health and the lack of stress is helpful. i’m trying to use the time to work on my health and weight. i’m trying to view this in positive terms, which is not always working.
i really need to be here writing more often. i might feel less stuck. 😛