Sometimes, we burn the midnight oil discussing M/s, in all of it’s different shades. Last night, it was 3am before our guests departed after rounds of of sake and scotch and expensive sweets. Several topics and themes emerged, a couple of which could well be it’s own podcast.
Sometimes, it is really interesting the way people approach M/s. It does seem that people who spent time being couples first and then moved into M/s experienced an increase in vulnerability and honesty over time.
Sir Raven and i did something else. We both kind of showed each other the worst aspects of ourselves, ways that good traits may have gone awry, and asked the other person to sit with that information for awhile. For my part, one of my better qualities is that i am devoted and loyal. i’d never look to change that in me but it has been used against me in life, and i’ve also been complicit in getting myself into morally complicated situations because i was busy proving my loyalty. i put my loyalty and devotion to people ahead of my loyalty and devotion to ideals. What this means is i have committed perjury before and felt that i was doing the right thing-the only thing i could do-because my loyalty to the person was more important than upholding an ideal of honesty. i still don’t think my behavior was wrong-it was the lesser of all evils. Sir Raven would have made a different choice for me, had she known me then, primarily because i was demonstrating loyalty to morally corrupt people.
And that is the true down-side to my devotion and loyalty. i often have done things beyond what i should have for people, sometimes on the basis of an earlier programming that informed me it was “right.” i’ve handed over thousands of dollars, knowing i wouldn’t get it back, even when it meant i went without basics. i’ve gotten into sexual situations that i didn’t want to be in because the person led me to believe that i was following the Leader by going with the flow.
i was raised with very weak boundary lines. i don’t always know where they should be and i tend to need explicit information about what is -and is not- okay behavior. There isn’t necessarily something in place that will tell me that something is wrong.
That is one unintended consequence of being taught that my body, literally, belongs to someone else. i lost any personal default setting for what is okay, unless it is something that could cause brain damage or permanent disability.
i do consciously consider the people who are in my life to avoid having breaches of Sir Raven’s boundaries for me being taken advantage of or her desires becoming confused in some manner.
This could happen non intentionally, as in the case of when we were in therapy, and the therapist kept asking every week why Sir Raven wasn’t willing to validate me or spend time with me or comfort me. i felt more than a little crazy from this, as my mind careened wildly between thinking, “well, yeah. She should be doing more. She isn’t trying.” and the simple truth, which is that she isn’t going to do what she doesn’t want to do. When i examined that closely, i thought that i don’t really want her fucking me solely because i’m in the mood. Or begrudgingly planning dates solely for me when she doesn’t want to.
When i let go of the anger and the crazy-making of wanting more, i had a lot more energy to devote to getting back to basics. And that meant finding my own contentment and my own peace with what she chooses. As a result of that, some months later, Sir Raven started doing kind things for me on her own. We went a couple of weeks ago to the Botanical Gardens together and had a perfectly lovely time. She came home yesterday with a jewelry stand in the shape of the Eiffel Tower and an Easter bag full of treats. She does express her love in many ways and when it comes from her, i know it comes from the heart.
Once, she commented that she spent time with me constantly, because we are always in the same room together. When i really thought about that for a long time, what she was saying made sense. She could choose to sit in another room, go out without me, or ignore me outright. If she made those choices, and she has before, there isn’t anything i can do about it. So the least i could do is appreciate that she wants to be with me, wants me with her and by her side, whether we are going on a date or watching tv together. Her genuine desire to have me close by is made clear. It doesn’t have to fit with anyone else’s ideas on how relationships “should” work. That is the beauty of M/s. Sometimes, i’ve had to do a lot of mental gymnastics, soul-searching, and reprogramming to get there–but contentment and joy in service is the best reward.
Our society is one that is always pushing for more. More time. More money. More stuff. More sex. And it’s exhausting. So is the constant comparison between relationships. M/s allows you to just be, and enjoy that experience.