Seeking

i remember reading many years ago that our bodies are meant to seek pleasure.

We have taste buds and nerve endings and sexual responses and brains that are able to have meta cognition and experience the divine.

When we don’t find pleasure in one way, when there isn’t a balance, it seems that humans will engage with the pleasure available to them.

i know i misuse food sometimes.  i become aware of the need i experience for s/m, and blunt it with food.  i become aware i am angry or uncomfortable with the lack of what i need, become ashamed, and punish myself with food.  i become aware of feeling angry at the pain and exhaustion, and shove it away, as best i can.

The body will seek pleasure.  

i also remember picking up the idea that if we don’t deal with milestones-good and bad-in one way, we will mark it in another.  We can choose to mark occasions on our terms, or find that all of that ignoring it results in increasing difficulties.  The midlife crisis comes to mind.

i try to be aware of my body and what it is telling me.  My hormones are making some kind of declaration inside of me, aware that i’m having some kind of baby lust, though it’s not a choice i’d make for myself.  i have to balance that, somehow, with the reasons i have not birthed a child.  At this point, it boils down to the fact that i’m too sick and too afraid of passing fibromyalgia onto a child.  Adoption or other means would effectively deal with the latter issue but does nothing for the fact that i’m sick and there is no cure, nor any way to restore a normal quality of life.

i don’t know how to honor these things.

What i know for sure is that i need to focus on taking good care of myself, let my body experience pleasure, and focus intently on it- the sun on my face, the deep stretch yoga provides, the softness of her lips on mine, the soothing cool sheets and the end of a long day.  i take every experience in, give thanks for all that i can do well, and for my Master who chooses to walk the path with me.

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2 thoughts on “Seeking

  1. sofia says:

    What a beautiful post – i needed to hear this. Well, the part about you wanting a baby was – made my heart ache for you – but the part about our bodies. Yeah. i need to do something about my relationship with food… and experience pleasure more.

  2. morgianacontentlycaptured says:

    “The body will seek pleasure.” Wow – just wow. For me this just really hit home, not sure it is about pleasure. You describe blunting need. I sometimes wonder if that is singly pleasure seeking but if it is also numbing. I have done similar with so many different things. I am finding ways to more healthily support my needs … it is a long haul from what I considered the depths of an abyss so far down that no one could reach me. But I found the way out. Again. You have been a tremendous help in this journey back to the authentic me. I cannot thank your Sir enough for allowing our friendship reinstated. Perhaps there is some way you can find that nurturing pleasure outside of motherhood. Maybe a pet. I turtle, something cleaner than a mammal that you can perhaps leave for periods of time. Or maybe – try nurturing yourself. I have been working on this very same thing. Not necessarily the baby fever, but the nurturing thing. I find things throughout the day that I can do for myself that give me moments of pleasure. Smells, a taste of something, a place even. Something that makes me close my eyes and thank my higher power for my life and this moment, this feeling of complete oneness inside. This peace. Beautiful as always jade.

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