Getting it Together

The electrician came out to inspect the leak and will be coming back Monday to take down the ceiling (again!).  We went through this just last year and it was a hot, hot, hot mess.

It also coincides with my first official day back to school.  Oh Joy!

So, i’ve been proactive.  i let Sir Raven know the instant the workers showed up via text, read through my entire syllabus for one class and started reading my assignments for week one, and meditated.

i’m wondering if i’m not having hormonal issues.  i never suffered from PMS before but i’m thinking i may need to get on the pill again.  My periods are tough, all over the map, and are making me feel rage for no actual reason.

Yesterday, i felt angry and hurt when Sir Raven kept telling me to “be quiet” and ignoring me while i was so tense because medical environments do that to me, as i explained in the last post.

So it occurs to me that i should explain that it is an absolute routine matter for her to tell me to be quiet.  It happens when i’m in mid word because she wants to watch her favorite commercial. It happens when something comes up for me that could include my past, and she tells me doesn’t want to hear it.  Today, she mentioned that she has never seen a photo of my mother.  i was surprised, wanted to show her one and she said she wasn’t interested because she doesn’t want to hear anything about her being a model again.  If she even thinks i might need to talk about anything deep, she employs the “be quiet” mandate.  So, anyhow, it’s common place.  It shouldn’t have upset me yesterday.  i wanted her support.  So fucking what.  She got me there on time and made the final decision about what was going to happen next.  Those things are hers alone, because she owns me.

i have no say.

Personally, i find it strange that i will quietly submit to a medical procedure that frightens me and find a way to accept the idea totally within a few days.

But i got hung up yesterday on her being attacking and disconnected.  Today, i feel ridiculous about it and should have let those things just float on by like i always do.

The constant admonishment in our community is to Communicate.  No one tells you that you might get a Master who prefers to steer every conversation, quiet you on a whim, will speak to lots of friends rather than you, or come right out and tell you they are not interested in what you are thinking.  Heh.

Today, i’m thankful that i am getting my head back on straight and that i know i’m here for her pleasure.  i’m thankful that the house is clean, her beer is cold, and we have a nice weekend planned with friends.  I’m thankful for being mindful and for a chance to apologize for feeling upset yesterday.



One thought on “Getting it Together

  1. We all go through feelings sweetie. You are so hard on yourself. But I understand it – Sir often says I am harder on me than He ever could be. I am glad you found your center again. I was worried about you for a bit. Seems we both have way too much going on and lots of stress and anxiety. But we did bring it on ourselves did we not? You can do this! You will rock school. I have no doubt. I miss you, I love you. I am grateful to have you back in my life and call you friend. I am sorry I needed you so much last week. And the Retrograde is now… I guess it was like PMS. PRG. Many hugs to you and lots of respect to your Master.

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