Awake

It’s officially Friday.  12:03 am. Thank Gods.

It’s been a very long week here.  i’ve had some great successes, but struggled vainly to get everything done.  Monday brought the mess all over the house, which i cleaned til about 7pm.  i was working all day to dust everything ,scrub out the plaster and drywall mixed with the worker’s muddy feet, and have a meal ready to serve.

I’ve been to the laundry mat three times this week.  Once was an exercise in futility, as i found every washer and dryer was in use.  The third time i had to wait twenty minutes for a dryer to become available.  i just felt fortunate that i could read my text book on my phone, had good earbuds to hear it and drown out a screaming child, and the time and money to get everything done.

i’ve been working hard to get my morning chores, which take about three hours on light days, finished before it gets too hot or humid.  The afternoon chores are errands and prepping dinner, which is easier than scrubbing anything.  Sir Raven has been reminding me to keep the air conditioning on and be as comfortable as possible.  She has blissfully decided to buy a new unit, which i’m thankful for as fibromyalgia makes it difficult to cope with getting overheated.  i appreciate that she pays close attention to when i run fevers, am sporting bruises she didn’t put there, am limping, and makes plans to help in practical ways such as a newer a/c.  She also thoughtfully picked up my meds for me today.

i’ve struggled to keep up with reading for two classes, get groceries we couldn’t buy in bulk at BJs, and keep the house clean and sweet.  i have returned to meditation, which i do after i clean in the mornings, shower and put on make-up, and dress.

The downside is i have not had a nap one single time this week.  And i’m exhausted.

i’m awake right now because i just turned in a second paper about eleven pm, my mind is still considering other points for the Case Studies, and i’m waiting to make sure Sir Raven is asleep before i carefully crawl in bed beside her.

When i’m overly exhausted or take extra Cymbalta, i talk in my sleep all night.  She needs her rest and to be able to sleep through it, which can only happen if i’m awake longer.  Heh.  Poor Master!

This week we did something that i’m immensely proud of.  We released a podcast that is….well… brutally honest.  i listened to it this week, when i was folding laundry and cleaning.  And when it was over, i just couldn’t wait to touch her, breathe her in, have her home with me.  We have come so far.  We believe in each other.

She is able to tell me she is going to make some changes, without me internally and silently imploding, thinking something horrid is going to happen.  i’ve learned that control is just her nature and tinkering with me is a byproduct of that.

i’ve learned that there may always be times that she needs distance, physically and emotionally.  But that woman knows where her home is, and i trust her to always come back home to me.  i have (mostly) stopped personalizing it when she needs to be distant and aloof.  My Master is an overloaded introvert sometimes, and i can trust her to go away in her head for weeks if she needs to.  i don’t know if she has noticed this occurring in spurts over the last few months.  i do, beccause i revolve around her.  So whatever she needs, wants, orders-i can make adjustments and give it to her.

That doesn’t mean there are no times that i long for her, emotionally, sexually, physically, and masochistically.  i do.

Her biggest demand, that i keep my energy small and contained and always have a pleasant demeanor, takes a great amount of strength and dedication.  Sometimes, i feel like i’m truly and utterly desperate to blow off some steam.

To that end, i’ve treated get-togethers and podcasts like i was on recess.  It was a time i could count on to not be totally silenced and not have to control myself so tightly.  Sir Raven wants me to be how i am with her when we are alone and i’ve had time to make some mental adjustments to give it to her.  Recess has been cancelled (lol).

It will be a good thing for me to learn how to keep myself small in groups.  i tend to disappear all together or jump in with both feet as i can.  Perhaps greater balance is in order.

Today, i’m thankful for my friends, who reach out to me and understand when it takes me time to reach back.  i’m thankful that my friends don’t judge me for getting frustrated and instead remind me that i won’t change anything here, so i need to find a way to adjust myself.  🙂

i’m grateful for faith, love, compassion, dedication, and hard work.

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One thought on “Awake

  1. morgianacontentlycaptured says:

    LOL on recess. So typical of a slave roflmao that is SO freakin’ cute jade. I imagine I do similar. Sir and I have listened to that podcast. It is very raw. Sometimes when we cannot talk to our Masters, we talk to each other. That is what a tight slave circle is for; to keep US sane. Sometimes our Owners get lost in their heads, preoccupied, or otherwise self involved. It becomes our duty to keep ourselves solid. *hugs* You are a beautiful soul jade.

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