i have a ton of things to get done today, but it’s been a strong start. My morning chores are mostly done. i ran a quick errand for toothpaste, mouthwash, floss and hair dye.
That reminds me, i had a dream last night that i had a very short pixie cut, with baby soft pink hair. i looked like a happy fairy.
In all reality, Sir Raven warned me she would shave my head if i ever dyed it a non approved of color. i believe her. So. Yeah. Not gonna happen.
My Master told me once about watching a fear class, wear a knife was used to give the sensation that the slave’s hair was going to be cut off. Directly after the workshop, the slave was overheard to have said, “I know my Master would *never* do that. My hair is just too pretty.” When Sir Raven heard that, i knew without asking that she’d have scalped me on the spot. She isn’t over fond of vanity in a slave, shall we say.
Not to mention, i’d have to be a total idiot to think, ‘My Master would NEVER…..” about too many things. It’s not productive or helpful. And it’s kind of frightening, but in a way that makes me feel safe with it’s familiarity. When she announced in a podcast that she’d show up and kill a person who would take me away from her, i thought mildly, “oh. i wasn’t crazy. She was just giving me time to get my head back together by letting everything around my fall apart and i’d come back home.” Sir Raven often lets me know, in ways big and small, that i am only safe here with her. It is something i believe deep down in my bones-that everything would crumble again around me without the safety she provides.
It’s quiet and safe here, in the sense that i never have to worry about not having my basic needs met, not to mention having luxuries like expensive dinners out. In the sense that i never have to worry about someone busting in our door.
i always have what i need to do my jobs.
She gives me freedom, in so many ways.
For me, it’s freedom to be able to shop, do laundry, get medicines, have a dinner party. The normal things sighted people take for granted. It’s all close to me now. i can do it all by myself.
Sometimes, it’s too much freedom and i mindlessly binge my frustrations. The Pleasant Demeanor is what is required here.
i need to do some unpacking work, and i’m going to write it out. So i may be writing a lot, free thinking, family-of-origin stuff.
There is a project for my class, which is an autobiography of my Ethics.
i have to deal with this somehow, and am looking to find a balance, between truth and lies. i can’t even start that project because it’s too tightly packed.
i need to let go so badly.
So. Very. Badly.
i don’t even want it, because i don’t want to wonder how long i will have to make that last. i don’t want it. Some days, i see my failures, the doctors and sick days, and i think that no one else would ever want me.
Then i light a candle, pour myself a hot cup of french press, and give thanks that i have the ability, the clarity, and the permission to take time to write. i have been amiss about that lately. i haven’t even had the chance to write about my birthday, which was special because i got to spend most of the day with Sir Raven. Karida, Sir Raven, Karida, and i met up at Bryant Park. We saw my friends, the Lions. Karida bought socks and stuff, from the second-best-gift-store-in-New York.
We had lunch at Karida’s Favorite Place: Dallas Bar B Que. Honey chicken is always delicious.
We thought we were all going to FAO Schwartz, which is *closing* (tearing up) but Master decided no. She didn’t want to go. Karida was already tipsy from her Texas sized drink. i was permitted a soda. i didn’t want to be away from Sir Raven, so we went home to relax. Well, Sir Raven relaxed. i read my text book, happy to be with her.
The whole reason i wanted to go, was to get pictures with the Giant Bear in there and Sir Raven. It was the bear she offered me, teasing me, but she would have done it. Heh. Frederick is already the perfect bear. Levi is my best nap buddy. Georgianna my sister-bear. And my leather bear Jenny-from-the-block, which brings the sex appeal.
i feel like i’m missing a Pride Bear.
Am i right?! Heh.