Yeah, seriously, i think some good things came out of how i was raised.
1. Because we didn’t trust or respect any singular groups of people (Principals, teachers, police, relatives) i had to think deeply about the role of respect and trust in my life. i had to be conscious about it. i adapted the black/white method of thinking about respect and trust, which is likely a good thing.
The bad thing is that i grade myself more harshly than any other person, alive or dead. Seriously.
2. i read the DSM when i was 12. i was looking for patterns, cementing a life-long orientation for understanding. i thought if i could understand what was going on with my mother, we could find help. i considered and logged information for years and it made me think like a scientist, able to use my mind like a scalpel,dissecting without emotion.
What threw me was thinking she was having emotions.
3. i can rationalize lots of things. If i can understand it, i can accept it. i understood why i got chained to the bed-i kept running away. i never made it far, lacking any money or anyone to call to help me. i can rationalize getting the belt daily, and i can frankly say that it kept me calm and subdued.
4. i can put my emotions aside in order to better understand a situation. Often, emotions occur only after logic and intuition fails-and those things rarely fail.
5. i know how to take a beating, for reasons real or imagined, and not hold resentment.
6. i would never call the police on anyone.
7. When you learn the rule system of a sociopath, you are safe unless they get off on your reactions when you break the rules. i was taught to never show fear-it turns to rage very quickly in my body. Rage is a cold stone face, a metal rod down my spine. The major rules tends to be rather rigid.
8. Every sociopath i’ve ever known includes in their code the rule that i can’t ever lie to them.
The only possible way to not do that, is if it’s for their own protection, like if telling the truth may result in someones murder. i never thought of this before, but i often judge if i can sexually and s/m-wise submit to a person when i have the instantaneous awareness that i couldn’t lie to them.
i know this before i know their name.
There is only one person that i’d scene with given any opportunity that i could lie by omission, maybe, but there would be little point. She can see right into me.
9. Beating me is the only real language i understand. i’m already trying as hard as i can so if i’m missing the mark, if i’m lagging, beating me suggests care. It suggests you are serious. It lets me get my feelings out, esp when i’m forced to cry, which is so very rare. Maybe one in ten or fifteen times we “play” results in tears.
10. i obey first, and ask questions later, if at all. i agree that failing to obey has to be met with a show of force, a deliberate cruelty, marks that remind me for days.
11. Being willful, not submissive enough, not quick enough isn’t acceptable. Cheerful obedience is the only choice.
i came to Sir Raven with at least 20 years experience in working hard, never complaining, always looking to do better and give more. 20 years experience in taking care of households with various power shifts ongoing. This solidified my need for a power dynamic that was absolute.