Sir Raven let me sleep in because she is clearly an angel.
Actually, i imagine she’d let me do that anytime, i just don’t. i figure life is unpredictable and i should be up with her, so when i have to watch her enter the world, she’ll do it knowing she is adored and cared for. i also pray for safety and a good day for her.
i waited too long to take my morning meds, and my body is burning everywhere.
Yesterday, i felt like i weighed a million pounds and everything was a painful effort. Forget thinking. Just making it through the morning chore list was amazing effort and time. Time to stop. Wait. Start again.
The lack of sleep is catching up, after a week of four to six hours per night. My body feels like it’s responding to the shots like its an invading infection and replies. i should have been somewhere sooner, and i was wondering if i could make it at all. i believe in pushing myself though and being reliable, dependable, which requires i put aside what i can and just get on with it.
i’m a slave.
i need to focus on the mounds of laundry that must be done and a week of homework to get caught up on.
i’m exhausted already.
i can’t think yet, can’t shower yet, can’t clean the kitchen from the breakfast Sir Raven made herself. i make the effort to look as nice as i can at all times, and this look is not cute. My hair is …well….wow.
Last night was really nice, all except for this full length mirror. i don’t look at myself very often. The rest was great-excellent company, excellent food. There was this green beans with portabella mushrooms and sherry. The cake looked like wedding cake, it was so pretty. It looked like a Tiffany’s cake. i didn’t eat it, i was afraid i wouldn’t be able to stop, and would be discovered sitting on the kitchen floor with a fork and the cake.
My slave friend understood, and soothingly responded that i couldn’t do that, because it wasn’t my cake.
i was afraid it would set me off again, like any other drug addict.
When i feel like this, i think i’m not better than my brother. Only different. And his kind of differences can be better hidden than my own. We live in a society that harshly judges all women, and i don’t think anyone escapes unharmed by this.
There are lots of times i’m able to be comfortable in my own skin, something i’ve worked hard for. i spend time on myself and enjoy being a girl, a femme.
The times that i am not comfortable, i am obsessed.
i’ve decided that i need to loose weight my own way. i will figure out something long-term later. Right now though, my body is suffering and i need to help it out. i don’t have control over much; i need control over this.
i wrote this and then went to go shower. An hour has gone by with me playing in the tub with the water. i feel better, more centered, and of course, cleaner. i’ve fixed my hair with a pink bow, put on make-up, and slid a thin cotton dress over my head with nothing underneath.
When i go check on Sir Raven, i find my goodliest Master in bed in the dark. i bring her green tea and medicine. i don’t bring a straw or emergenc-c with an ice cube, though i think about it. Instead, i return with only what she has asked for, and ask about the other things. i shyly point out that i’m trying to not anticipate anything but ask. She does want those things and i’m hoping it all works to help. Poor Master. She is such a trooper, so strong, and needs quiet to reboot.
She turned on Oprah’s “Super Soul Sunday,” something we used to watch together weekly. Something we both miss. So, it’s on and talking about gratitude, which i do practice moment-to-moment.
i strive for constant cheerful obedience, contentment, harmony, honesty, kindness, hard work,loyalty and dedication. i strove to embody those things, all of the days of my life, the best i knew how. i’ve just also stuffed some things-literally-to avoid other emotions or mindsets. i have to figure it out.
They are talking about how if you do not know someone’s age, you don’t put them in a box. Heh. i often don’t know ages, no clue, and get to experience someone’s personality as it is. Another gift of blindness.