i couldn’t sleep again last night, until around 3am. i was back up at seven. My tummy is so messed up i have only had one cup of coffee so my brain won’t turn on. Heh. i misunderstood a whole assignment so evidently i need to make more french press.
i’m super thankful for the cold a/c because the heat is rolling off the sidewalks outside. The whole block is uncharacteristically quiet. Generally this is a sign of a problem and i get my butt home as soon as possible. i went out for a few things we needed but that was it.
i’m so tired.
i got an amazing nap in yesterday while Sir Raven went on Second Life. She couldn’t talk, though, because she said i was moaning in pain loud enough it would have been heard. That was the best sleep i’ve had all month.
i did work last night. i wrote a paper and then cried. Wrote another and cried again. The pain was just so bad. i made tacos for dinner and couldn’t bend far enough to get the fresh cilantro out of the bin in the frig. i dropped all kinds of stuff all day that Sir Raven picked up.
She said she wants me to not be apologetic about this stuff, not in the sense that she thinks the undertone suggests insecurity that she will leave me.
i don’t think that. Not even in my worst hours. Not really.
She knew i was sick before she had real feelings for me. She made her choice and would pick me again. In my heart, i know that. i just need to stay focused on that because there are times i just feel misery and exhaustion, no end in sight.
There are so many i just want her near me, just crave her touch, just want to curl up with her. i can’t. One reason is she has more sympathy pain with me when we touch. Another is that she just isn’t cuddly or touchy at all a lot of the times. So i really savor it when she gets touch hungry.
There are times i wish she could communicate with me more, because that would help. In her estimation, if she isn’t complaining then everything is good. That works for me-until i’m feeling really sick, bad about myself, having to push through every minute and every task. i need to feel like i’m more than a servant and a patient.
i keep dreaming about my brother, and i’m holding him and telling him that i love him. i don’t know what that is about or why that is happening. He is the one person i love unconditionally. He’s also the person who taught me that love should have conditions attached. Some things love should not be asked to bear.
i need to get up and clean awhile. i’m breaking my own rule and putting on pjs, maybe making some herbal tea. i’m just in a horrible flare, feel flu-ish, everything aches, and burns. i need to focus on what i can do, on pleasing Sir Raven. Nothing feels better than that.