Loyalty

i was raised to believe that if you have abandoned your family loyalty, you have lost everything.

Family is such a loaded word when you are Italian.

Yes all forms of family, starting with blood, if you are lucky.

i’ve done a lot of things that i personally strongly disagreed with, stood in between fights for hours without getting upset, used myself as a shield, prayed my body wouldn’t be found so no one would be hurt, handled items that were not good items to be touching, taken the fall, lied in court, shown up in the middle of the night-no questions asked, had my shoulder dislocated and still kept him off of my mother.

i cleaned the house religiously.  When i could do nothing else, i worked energy magic and cleaned and baked ferociously.  My mother started shopping, bringing home less and less food each week.  The boys were only to happy to get what i could make in bulk cheaply-homemade bread, mashed potatoes.  i kept a beautiful garden then.

My brother would get high, come in my room, and truly exhale.  It was his favorite room in the house.  i can remember his eyes when he would tell me he did something i was going to hate him for.  i told him i had unconditional love for him, due to my loyalty.

i do, actually.

Weeks ago, i asked Sir Raven if i could write a letter to my brother, to be delivered after my death.  Stunned, she reminded me that the only thing that would tear us apart and immediately revoke our relationship was any contact with my family.  i didn’t realize this would extend beyond my death.

She asked me if i knew what the word, “any” meant.

My loyalty is undivided now.  So appreciate it when i say, all i can do is be loyal and obey.  My identity is tied too intricately, and permanently, to these ideals that i’d cease to be me if i attempt to turn my back.

i’m loyal.

This is an entirely black and white thinking issue for me.  It’s a pass/fail.  It’s spiritual bootcamp.  When someone takes from your core, can you still be loyal? When you hate more than you love, can you still?  When your grief runs so deep that you want to remove your womb, can you be loyal?

Maybe your relationships don’t involve any of these things, or all of them.  One of the most important virtues is loyalty.

i have to be.

i’m also the runaway child inside.

i’ve proven that too many times to count in my misspent youth.

Twice in my adulthood.  Three other failed attempts, besides the two successful coups.

i’m never quite forgiven-but it’s always the sense of loyalty that brings me back.  Well, except for the failed attempts.  Then it was being out of money, and being exhausted, and having no place to go.  Especially having no place to go.  There is never any place to go, perhaps by design.  No matter.

i promised loyalty, and i promised to never run away again.

It’s easy to toy and be malicious with these things.  Thanks, Catholicism.  i’d pretty much have to believe that a person would keep me by force to never try it.  i don’t know.  The sense of broken defeat is so huge when i didn’t make it during those failed tries.  i had to do so much to be trusted again, the focus ever on my sins.

Loyalty matters, especially when the chips are down in life.

Or maybe thats just me?

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