Fake it til you make it

So, how long can you fake it til you make it before you become a fake?

How long can you survive on a promise?  What if it’s a promise you made yourself?

i know damn well that doing anything besides putting one foot in front of the other, turning my face into a smile, cleaning, cooking, remembering her wine, trying to appear fine until i am, well…(deep breath in, let it out)

Okay, i can do this.  Even if i have to talk myself into it a bit.  Even if i have to cut off parts of myself.  Even if i’m not feeling like enough.  Even if i have to slice and dissect and fix me.

i know if i don’t keep trying to put one foot in front of the other, i won’t be able to meet my own eyes in the mirror. Though, Truth be told, i’ve stopped looking.

My sense of loyalty is in overdrive, mainly because i’m a beta wolf, and we will viciously defend and protect and care for our Alpha mate.  Waiting.  Having faith.

Another alpha, including the alpha female, will vie for position in the hierarchy.

The Marine told me once, that when a Beta female wolf dies, the entire pack mourns the loss.  i had laughed at the idea.  There are a lot of things far more valuable to me than my own life.  Plus, i wrote my first suicide note at ten, and the guidance counselor remarked that she couldn’t tell if i was a prodigy or-

and my mother inserted-idiot savant-and everyone around the room agreed.  There had been a whole meeting about my note.  Some of the idiots said I read too much, and i thought that was one of the stupidest ideas ever.  I was in adult books, memoirs, and non fiction, mostly.

All of that glorious and untapped potential.  Discarded as unimportant.

i’ve got a lot of experience in “fake it til you make it.”

i’ve got a lot of experience in teaching other people, mostly special education kids, how to care about getting a routine right.  Life has a shit ton of routine.  Sadly.  Sometimes, it was drilling it over and over again.  Sometimes, after months of doing single digit math, your kiddo comes in one day and it’s just gone for him.  You go home and cry.  And then brightly start over the next day with counting.  You praise.  You guide. You are pulling through the thick mud some days, exhausted, soaked to the bone.  You just outlast them every time.  You do exactly what you said and find out what they respond to.  The same things i expect from a Master, knowing how exhausting it can be, but also the sweetness of success.  Few things in life feel that good.

Most people respond better to positive things, incentives, token economy.  A few of us….and anecdotal evidence over the years aligns…made me aware that it seems like those of us who were failure to thrive seem to understand nothing except negative reinforcement because its so easy for us to shut down.

So, half the stuff inside of me says to shut down inside.

i don’t even know that i really care anymore.

Therapy isn’t magic.  It can’t force you to care.  To be totally frank, i don’t know what the hell i’d do if a client came to me and told me about that teeny girl abused like i wrote about the other day but felt nothing for her.  What i feel is she should have done better and it wouldn’t have happened.  Or at least figured out how to hold my head up anyhow.

There is just no feeling there.  The only child i could turn my back on was myself.  Shut down.  

The other part of me thinks about a documentary i watched on dolphins, which explained that they do not really have a separate sense of self but understand themselves through a connection to their group.  They have an advanced part of their brain, associated with the idea of a collective consciousnesses.  When they were talking about dolphins. they sounded in rapture with the idea.

But a girl who that fully resonated for is to be fixed?  No thank you.

The scientists and people who had relationships with dolphins all said that it would be painful for them to be separate.  They shut down, perform, and occasionally act out.

Sounds like how i feel at times.

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One thought on “Fake it til you make it

  1. morgianacontentlycaptured says:

    Hugs. All of these writings Jade – are so heartfelt and just – raw.

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