So, my grand coming out for “I come from a family of sociopaths, and here is some great stuff that came out of that…” paper for Ethics class earned a perfect score. Imagine that.
All of my friends, 98% of whom are sociopaths, immediately told me to “make something up” and turn it in. i remember having to do that in reply to writing prompts, trying to imagine what a “terrible, no good, very bad, horrible day” would look like in a normal house. And i had nothing. Sitcoms. My brother watched the Simpsons constantly, which i had learned to tune out. i watched the History Channel and documentaries. Always reaching up.
i was pretty sure that writing about being woken up by someone furious that something wasn’t perfectly done by me and being called a “lazy bitch” and getting slapped around while cleaning up a mess that wasn’t there when i went to bed shouldn’t be written about. We didn’t need to have another meeting.
One professor remarked i should avoid and refer all sociopaths. i chuckled. Only one person objects to the actual word applied to themselves, which is fine, but still diagnostically meets the criterion. So, i should refer or avoid my tribe. Great.
The reality is we are moths to flame. Predator and prey, i come unwilling or sometimes half-willing, other times more than willing to fight back and will go for your throat. i won’t hold your darkness against you. i’m not afraid. i can effortlessly separate a bad act from a bad person. i can even understand things that sexual objectify me, and absolutely enjoy the game. Particularly at times when hands are tied. i enjoy the dance most of all when i know i’ll be in over my head. It’s exhilarating rather than the lingering fear most people would have. i was trained out of this early.
i don’t mind the walls that were eradicated. i don’t mind the losses to my individual sense of self. If i know the end goal, i’ll tell you how to get there fastest and can’t be bothered to try and evade it. The few hard and fast rules i’ve found for every sociopath i’ve known is the need for honesty and loyalty. There isn’t anything i could do that would be worse than outright lying about it, unless the reason is to protect.
Being raised by wolves has it’s advantages, and prevailing cool logical over emotional reactions has its strong advantages.
I’m just no match. You’d think i’d be the best person to see whats coming. Nope. Never. Not when it only effects me.
i feel a desperate, wild, clawing at the wall kind of need to understand.
What is the attraction to me? Why? These things? There is really not one damn thing special about me. Really.