Missing the Bigs

i’ve been wearing a bracelet, the brighten one with interlocking hearts in the clasp.  We all wore ours to Disney.  i like to think it has a bit of magic in it, like the wishing well.

i wonder what they wish for now.

i also wonder if i should write to their girls, who were sent off to get ice cream, before the three of us melted down at the same time.  Sadists get grumpy when they can’t get a fix.  i wasn’t a big help there, sort of nudging it on.

It felt like i had been adopted into a family.  Despite the many years i had on the girls in a biological sense, it was often like being their younger sibling.  Maybe they never loved me, but i certainly felt loved.  And i definitely love them.

i want to tell them that in the end, i loved enough to walk away, and sit quietly behind the wall for months.

i came close to letting my Big know the stuff going on here, the school stuff, but it feels weirdly like it must feel to call your parents and tell them you’re  a royal fuck up.  They would both—nervous giggling—yeah.  No.  No can do.

In my head, i hear her calm voice, the this-is-what-we-are-going-to-do voice.  The one that i respond to even when i don’t want to, like her hand on my throat, almost but not quite cutting off the air.  i would have done most anything for the gleam in her eye.  i always wished she knew how very beautiful she is.  That’s what i wanted to teach her by letting her darkness out and into me.

i wanted him to experience unflinching acceptance.  Being able to enjoy things without shame or regret.  i would be just being me and he had this laugh, the same laugh usually reserved for adorable toddlers.  i had never heard it before, directed at me.  i got to have the experience of sinking into being younger and younger.

The atmosphere just wasn’t stable.  It wasn’t going to be. No one is at fault, not really.  i was naive.

i’d really love to have a day where we smile, and wear mouse hats, and jump the line because i’m a blind princess, and for once it helps my family out.  i want to go to Chef Mickeys and twirl napkins.  Pose for pictures.  Hear dirty whispers in my ears. Smoke by Cinderellas Castle.  Hug the girls.  Look in half the gift stores.  Nothing more to worry about bigger than melting ice cream and having to leave when the park closes.  i remember him grabbing my hand, when we listened to, “A Whole New World,”  He said, That is what i want for you.

i asked, at two different points, if i helped or hurt them more.

i’m still rolling the answer about in my mind, thinking carefully, wondering if i can avoid it in the future.

No.

It’s me.

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2 thoughts on “Missing the Bigs

  1. Ira says:

    Having a little is a very special thing you can make them your princess you can watch them crayon pictures you can take them to the park or they see all their friends but the love they bring into your home is undeniable to each person in the house there was a different meaning and a different feeling

  2. Ira says:

    Finishing the last comment some people take it for love some people take it as a member of their family. A little bring so much joy into a house. The vacations the trips to the doctors anything else the little needs the family usually takes care of that’s the way I feel a family should be. But sometimes parts of the family need to go and fly to their dreams and it would never be right if the family did not allow those dreams to come true. Its sad and lonely at times but knowing that you’re a little is now somebody else’s and they flown away in grace and in peace is the most important thing. You love them forever but no from a distance that they’re safe.

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