Trust

Trust is the sacred Cow in any M/s relationship.  It’s one of the dividing lines, in my mind, to having a functional M/s relationship-or not.

The podcast Sir Raven and i did on Trust remains the work she and i have done that i am the most proud of.  We have a link to Structured by Design in the web roll area.  (Sir Raven, can you please paste a link here, if you get time?)

There are large areas of trust the deeper you get into TTWD.

i think there will always be times you have close calls, warning bells, triggers, and fires.  Maybe with enough time, you can mitigate some of the inherent dangerous.  Particularly in regards to kink, if that is a part of your relationship.

As a basic rule of thumb, i’d say people are “on the same page,” if there is a general consensus about what to expect, knowing where everyone is emotionally, and  knowing how to be a team where every part works together for the greater good.  Those things take time.  i’d say the whole first year is about these major tasks.  Can you manage stress together well or not?  And if not, what can be done to help?  Who needs what?  In a general way, people in an M/s family should help develop and reinforce trust.  It’s a year long process of learning how to re-do everything, because most Master’s have a way of doing things, and they want it done their way.  They have to learn how to communicate “their way” and you have to learn how to graciously accept a lot of criticism.  They have to manage accepting it graciously when they fuck up.  Because they will.

It’s small things that speak volumes, i think.  Intent.  And the general thrust of interactions.  Are they positive or negative?  Is positive feedback given and received?  How?

Hopefully, you figure out how to keep yourself calm and open.  For me, it takes a shit ton of focus on my part to memorize an enormous ton of details.  For awhile, i’m not light and teasing and fun.  i’m focused.  i have to be to notice everything and i’m trying to compensate for the lack of sight, focus through pain.

In the meantime, trust is built and destroyed in small ways.

Miscommunication, distracted communication, frustration happens.  It’s life.

Hell, the other MAST meeting the presenter gave us a bottle of water.  i absolutely never heard anything about not opening the water.  i instinctively opened the water, and offered some to Sir Raven, because she was not given a bottle of water.  i lost my grip as it was in my open palm, and she got a second shower.

Later, when they presented said, “Now drink as much as you can.” i’m a literal thinker who doesn’t like water.  i drank it as if my life depended on it.  So did the slave next to me.  And when she pointed out that she only meant to have what we needed to feel refreshed, we both turned to each other and blinked.  i pointed out that she just found the two literal thinkers in the group and we all laughed.

i do think literally.  i also think that if you tell me you thought someone else yelling at me (just for an example) was wrong that you would refrain from the same behavior.  i tend to avoid behaviors that i dislike in others.  i certainly try to.  still, this literal thinking style can make miscommunications occur because i can get stuck on the part where i followed orders exactly and feel upset if i feel judged to not have done so.  i have to understand that you know i did what you said, but it simply wasn’t what you meant.  Or you changed your mind.  i can be very flexible in these regards, because i love getting details perfect for everything.  It’s a non issue to me if something just changed, but if what we are talking about is new information, then i may need that stated explicitly to understand.  Otherwise, the message i get is that don’t trust me to give you everything or obey.  And that? i react badly to at times, emotionally withdrawing and shutting down.  It’s not my best feature and i’m working on it.

So, back to school work.  Thanks for the emailed question that inspired this topic.  It wish i had topics asked for more often. 😀

 

 

 

 

 

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