Tell me how…

i am very much appreciating the questions and ideas coming my way.  Thanks to all of the people who read me, and are a part of our journey.

There are very weighty topics i am deliberately not talking about in the blog.  Sir Raven has very rarely restricted my topics here.  Its the only place i can talk and say exactly what is on my mind.  There are times it has hurt her, but i remind her that i put a lot of unflattering shit here about myself.  And that is the point for me: to realistically document our journey, honor the uniqueness in ourselves and our relationships, and grow continuously by reading out.  When i think i have nothing important to say, the numbers speak otherwise.  It’s humbling and helps me to keep it as real and authentic as possible.

That being said, i am not okay with sharing some private family matters between Sir Raven and myself.  i’ve touched on that likely as much as i’m going to.  It’s one thing to point out my own failures, and i do that all of the time here.  i think i can always do and be better, but it takes time to reach each new place.  Hopefully, we are reaching for the same values, and are closely aligned on the same goals.  If not, i’m the one to change and internalize the new values.  This too takes time.

i argued for people bearing arms, just the other day, knowing full well the statistics of guns in the home.  And that was the moment i thought mildly, “Oh, i internalized that value.”  i felt guilty eating cookies last night, and there was another pang of knowing.  My body likes and feels better eating limited calories.  i felt sick eating every day.   That’s become a value, to not abuse my body with food.

That’s how it tends to happen for me.  One day, i just look around and realize something has fundamentally shifted inside of me in reply to needing to be pleasing to the Owner.  It takes time for me because sometimes my sense of identity is shifting in radical ways.  There are not a lot of things that are moral absolutes for me.  Loyalty is important to me, and that is why even things that need to be shared are kept private because i can’t always locate the middle ground between honoring the journey and being private.

So, unto the other reason i came here….

A very sweet kitty girl i know helped me many years ago.  i was in a power exchange relationship with a Daddy-type and was wondering if anyone was happy in their dynamic.  Was anyone in a good place or was it constant self struggle?  And so i read a lot of blogs, avoiding kink stuff, trying to find someone real talking about what their actual life was like.  i found myself nodding a lot when i read what she had to say.

i was interested in how she had learned to allow herself to be nurtured in return.  A lot of times in a search for an honest voice i found blogs mainly about kinky sex.  That’s a beautiful thing too, but not what i’m mainly interested in-how power and control is handled explicitly in the relationship.

 

She also made some really beautifully done youtube videos, and it was such a sigh of relief to me to find what looked very normal to my eyes.  You could see around you evidence of what she wrote about.  What stands out the most to me was her comfort in her own skin and environment.  The sense that there was a lot of warmth.  And the way she says, “Master,” makes me feel warm inside.  i remember thinking that i wanted to feel exactly that way and the word was marked as sacred in my mind.  There are times i have heard the same tone in my voice, the love and adoration, the respect.

i’m very lucky that we have been allowed to befriend each other.  ^-^

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s