Stages of Change

So, i’m watching these therapy videos for school and the therapist talking suggests that changes occur in these stages:

  1. Denial (because if you deny, you don’t have to change anything).
  2. Resistance (Why do i have to do anything different?)
  3. Exploration(s) (Brainstorming possible solutions)
  4. Action(s)
  5. Commitment

This seems reasonable-but-i think that it leaves out the concept that a change in action can happen independent of being emotionally invested in the process, and that doing said action can result in breaking down the original resistance.

When i am held, or embraced, or climax my body releases oxytocin regardless -even if the other person thought it was not necessary to do those things for me.  Their body releases oxytocin as well.  That prompts ongoing change and, over time, a difference in commitment to the change.

When i smile, it releases anti stress hormones, causing people to smile in return and become more pleasant toward me, which gives me a reason to want to smile.  That whole chain reaction occurs, regardless of if i have to think about it to smile because i’m frustrated or in pain at the moment.  i do this many times a day, and can attest to it working well.

This view of mine does mean that i put up with more stuff from people around me by being kind in reply, by trying to really understand where they are coming from.  But even if i can’t understand it or emotionally empathize, i can still control the energy i bring to the encounter.  i can choose to smile, give affection, spread warmth.  Those things are largely how i am in control, how i experience self control.

Chris commented that Sir Raven may be non communicative to have more power.  If so, it’s not getting her the kind of control and power she seems to want.  If i’m emotionally shut down in some key ways, that does not mean that i quit smiling or hugging her.  What it does mean is i’ve temporarily, at least, taken away access to being hurt by her behaviors.

So, even though it may not feel like it, my new insistence on communicating and being together is an invitation to having more control.

If she can’t access me emotionally, what is she controlling exactly?  The tasks i perform?  The physical location of my body?

When she has had control over those things, but i was quiet and withdrawn emotionally, she missed me.  She told me so.  Therefore, some of the burden is on her to create and sustain changes that will allow us to be connected.

i could not possibly care less if she continues to believe that it was never a problem to not do those things, because investing in our relationship through actions will yield great returns.  It’s a positive cycle, which lends itself to me being able to give and do more for her.  A win-win.

Things that threaten our M/s and overall relationship can’t be ignored if we want a win-win, if we are serious about protecting the property.  It is one thing to have the tools to do a job and quite another to actually use them.  But that is what i think Master and slavery is all about, using tools to build a relationship that gives what is needed and valued.


7 thoughts on “Stages of Change

  1. Chris says:

    It sounds like a master/slave relationship is similar to a more vanilla one. (And I appreciate your including me in your post, too.) Your psychological strategy makes sense. Both of you “win,” when there’s a balance between you.

    Jade, I admire your strength of character and convictions. That’s why I’m a regular reader. You are one special person, and I hope that Raven realizes that. I don’t mean this in a flirtatious way. I’m only acknowledging your intrinsic value.

    • jadescastle says:

      I think a master slave relationship is different in many key ways. If we were vanilla I wouldn’t have waited years to get what I need, my focus would include my wants being met, and I would have a life that didn’t revolve around her. Even the reasons I need connection relate back to having more to give to her. I’d imagine that vanilla wives expect help, praise, etc and don’t wait on the partner hand and foot.

      • Chris says:

        I’m a more “vanilla wife,” and we have a fairly reciprocal relationship. My husband, however, does all of our cooking. But that’s ’cause he’s better at it than me. And I receive an occasional foot massage, but that’s different than being “waited on hand and foot.” Basically, it’s all about balance.

      • jadescastle says:

        There’s nothing wrong with an egalitarian relationship style. It’s highly correlated with marital satisfaction. I just don’t think it would work well for me. I need the control and clarity that comes with ms.

      • jadescastle says:

        Incidentally I know of power exchanges where the master does all of the cooking and hired a maid bc that was what he wanted. His interest was not in house maid type of service and he wanted the slave to be able to focus on their business and being sexually and geisha like available.

  2. olivia says:

    Interesting – I’m going to sidetrack on the stages of changes, because i use that concept at work often, and although the stages are (I guess) the same, we call them Pre-contemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Action, and Maintenance. Some models include Relapse and Recovery as an additional stage.

    But what you’re saying is absolutely true – about how acting differently can lead to change -at least that’s what I think you’re saying. It creates cognitive dissonance, and there’s a ton of research on how and under what circumstances that leads to change in one’s beliefs.

    All of which is more academic than this post deserves. Sorry… leaving now…

    • jadescastle says:

      Glad you chimed in. 😊 yep pretty much the same steps you use with less scholarly language. I just get annoyed with the idea that action can’t happen first. Clearly it can and is just as valid as doing a bunch of thinking first- esp if the person is highly resistant.

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