Sir Raven and i are staying connected through wunderlist, an app that let’s you check off jobs and assign tasks in real time. i like checking things off, she likes having a better list. Right now, there is a ton of work going on in our building and we are getting rats. Yes. Rats. Evidently, mice weren’t bad enough.
So i’m not cooking or mopping the kitchen twice a day. i’m not spending hours in the kitchen each day. Indeed, i’m too scared to go in there alone anymore. Basically, my chores are being done out of order and it’s making me feel out of sorts. My sleeping is bad. My routine is upset. i feel like everything is just…off. i feel off.
Like Sybil with the shoes, i put all of the terror i felt in my first violent relationship onto the mice and rats that fought in the shoddy walls. And since i don’t feel fear well…it turns straight to rage in seconds. If i’m crying, chances are it is that i’m enraged.
i’m unused to feeling anger often anymore, though it was a routine part of life for most of my life. i had lots of big reasons to have fear turn to anger all of the time. i always feel guilty when i am angry, like it’s an expensive luxury i cannot afford. That is true for me. It is not conducive to the tasks i’m charged with, with being warm and kind, regardless of how i am treated. If i let myself feel angry about the real things in my life that i should be angry about-i think it would bury me.
So i focus on wunderlist. Checking off all of the things i need to get done each day. i consider that i’ve had a good day if everything is done. i’m highly competitive with myself, so i have a lot of good days. i measure everything that way, my goodness or good days based on how well i can please Sir Raven. Mostly, i only care about people in my crew feel about me or my work. Yet, i also smile at strangers, take time to actually acknowledge them, especially people who are not expecting anyone to care or see them in a positive light. i do it because i can feel them lighten in response to genuine warmth. When i have tangible things, i do give that too. In many ways, a cold drink is less needed than a warm smile. This is how i practice my spirituality, in part.
It also forces me to be mindful, and to not stay too wrapped up in my own head and own stuff.
i’ve gotten a lot done in the last few days. i found these awesome little thank you cards that look like the old sign out cards for library books for Sir Raven to give to her staff with the gift cards she bought. She needed new dress shirts, including one for tomorrow, when she celebrates Autism Awareness. i asked every man in the store if he thought the tie worked with the shirt, and finally relaxed when a gay man assured me it was tight. i’m a good shopper and will spend time to find high quality at good prices. Five shirts, a tie, and a pair of slacks for less than $100. Three of the shirts, i think, are Calvin Klein. The tie is Michael Kors. i love TJ Max. It’s worth the effort for sure. Sir Raven could look sexy in a paper sack but i try to buy nice shirts for her a few times a year. i need to find some that work with cuff links, as i’ve purchased several pairs for her.
In other news, Hillary Clinton was in our hood today. Seriously. Two or three stops from our apartment. How cool is that? If she doesn’t improve in terms of talking to people who can’t afford her thousand dollar plate events, i don’t think i can vote for her. Hell, i may not be able to vote for anyone. The address confidentiality program sent me a letter that an address i used was one they were not informed of and i’m dismissed from the program unless i can win the appeal. Oh joy. Because spending years hiding from dangerous people isn’t bad enough all by itself.
i also had to do a lot of BS like dealing with the student loan providers this week.
i wake up exhausted daily and really need some good quality sleep. Sir Raven warned me to start napping daily and i am trying. i’m tired enough, for sure, but can’t sleep. It’s so frustrating. Starbucks is totally my best friend right now. i’m thankful that we can afford it without thought, that i have the health to walk the mile there, and that i have meds to help me finally. It is like a fabulous dream to not be constantly fixated on pain, trying to move through it and breathe through it. i think part of the sleeping problems could be from the drastic reduction in Nuerontin. My brain is more awake, more chatty, distracted. It’s a noticeable effort, at times, to be quiet and not behave like a puppy when she comes homes. Fortunately, that should be soonish. i’m waiting to shower to meet her back on the steamy street to help carry home the pizza. Yum.