Over here Kaya wrote about how she feels that her Master can’t expect slave-like behavior from her if he isn’t equally invested. The post before, she talked about her attitude and how it gives her a great deal of power to influence the general tone of things in her relationship. i whole-heartedly agree with that. If i wanted to get an attitude and show it, then that would certainly alter the tone of the evening.
But then she went on, yesterday, to point out the rest. i didn’t reply in the comments, mostly because i have nothing helpful to say. Around here, though, i think that one of the ways i can easily identify that a power exchange is going on is that Sir Raven is very free to be critical, ignoring, self-absorbed, lavish time on other people and pursuits-and i am expected to go about my business the same as if she were doing the opposite.
The most i say when she is constantly sharply rebuking me is to-very quietly- say, “Please don’t. i’m trying to help you right now.” And she lets me do that, though it doesn’t happen often. Mostly, i respond cheerfully and kindly to her, regardless and she eventually gets settled down once she is taken care of (wine, food, quiet).
Sir Raven certainly doesn’t go out of her way to be an ass, and i appreciate that. When she does, i silently remind myself that she could be that way all the time and i’d have to find a way to cope cheerfully. i let it pass. i try to not personalize it. Sometimes, i call a friend who lets me vent and then lovingly reminds me that this is what it is here, which is true. Sir Raven in private can be very aloof and tends to be not known for cheerfulness. It’s just her personality.
i don’t think it’s right per se that Sir Raven will spend inordinate amounts of time relaxing, watching youtube videos, editing podcasts, watching junk tv, or writing during all of her time off of work and weekends . i do think some of that time and investment of energy should go back into us, in ways that nourish our power exchange. i recognize that it has done great disservice to our relationship that i have no voice to demand or insist she do something with me instead of all that other stuff.
At the same time, i take a lot of pride in the fact that she has no chores, nothing to do, no demands on her time outside of work. i think it’s one of the things that make me a good slave, that i will eagerly carry out every demanding job, that i will lovingly accept coming last.
i take issue, at times, not with coming last (which i expected, including coming after her relaxation needs) but at not being on the list at all. That this kind of reluctance to make anything about me and us a matter of importance worthy of time typifies our lives together. And then i watch the pattern repeat of me finding some way to be graceful about it, get on with what needs to be done, accept what is. i struggle with asking for anything, really, because i get angry when the simplest of things to comfort me won’t be done. That is when i mentally add up all i do and feel pissy. Which leads to immediate guilt. i try to not let myself go there too often.
We both recognize that Sir Raven would actually taken an active interest in her parts of the dynamic if she was with someone who pushed back, took a stand, and demanded difference. She just absolutely would not want any of those things with me. Even a gentle request to do something (anything) together is sometimes too much for her and i back down.
What i try and focus on is removing any obstacles to getting what i need. One thing i find very unattractive is when women bitch and complain about not getting laid, for example, but then i find out that they haven’t shaved in two months. So basically, if he wanted to come home and ravish her he’d be seeing a woman in sweaty yoga pants that is hairy and looks like she has given up on herself. So, i am always clean and have on make-up and am shaved. i have an alarm on my phone that we call “get pretty for Daddy” that alerts me an hour before her arrival home, so i have time to do anything that needs to be done, touch up my make-up and hair, and light candles for her. i meditate for her. i get myself ready to hear the door chimes and be ready to serve her, pretty much no matter what.
That means not just how things look, but how they feel. Since i’m not an actor extraordinaire, i have to actually feel warmth for her to show it. i have to put aside anger and frustration at daily life and at not getting what i need. i’m not saying that i should have to, but the alternative seems worse. Showing her that i’m annoyed or frustrated with her leads feeling that sinking feeling of failing myself, failing her, and not being the kind of woman she would want to spend time or energy on. From her point of view, begrudgingly given service is not service at all.
Sometimes, she behaves in annoyed fashion because i’m trying too hard to see to her comfort. Often, i’m adjusting inside to deal with a sudden critical energy and general negativity coming at me. i don’t think she necessarily made that connection, nor have i necessarily thought to directly point it out. When i come right out and ask her if she is frustrated or angry, it makes her frustrated and angry. So i kind of…disarm the grump with kindness and cheer, with making sure she has quiet.
i think its a matter of survival that i deal with my life overall with a positive outlook and cheerful demeanor. i’m afraid if i wasn’t this way that i’d be bitter and i’d rather be dead than be bitter. That means i have to keep a tight control over my emotions, use mindfulness, use meditation, and express gratitude for all i do have. i thank Sir Raven daily for something. In fact most of the frustration i do feel is not getting the chance to ventilate the frustration out, so that it is easier for me to be the best slave i can be.
Kaya often points out that she is not a martyr. Nor am i. i’d think if i was, i would be the slave of Sir Raven’s dreams and never ever ask her for anything. Never want sex, or s/m, or being held, or her focused attention. But i’m human so, yeah, i want all of those things. It is a strange thing to strive to basically not have human needs, to do mental gymnastics to accept that i could be celibate forever, and not shut down. i think it makes Sir Raven unhappy when i’m totally shut down and no longer want or care about anything from her, though she has told me that she wants it. It’s a hard line, one i haven’t figured out how to navigate. i suppose somewhere inside i think if i am patient, dedicated, loving, beautiful enough-that she will desire me. Only time will tell. The simple truth is that i want her to be aware of craving me, of needing me, and find ways to communicate that. i don’t want her to be fucking me or beating me or taking me out someplace just because i need it. It isn’t satisfying. It isn’t enough. It rings empty. i think that is why i can’t just put on the act of being loving, go through the motions. When i have, because i was shut down inside but refused to stop serving, i think it rang empty for her.
i’m the last person to judge how anyone else lives their dynamic. i do judge myself, and am a terribly harsh critic. All i know how to do is remove any reason i can think of she would have to not desire me and hope she decides i’m worth making changes for. i can’t do my work with an angry heart. i can, and do, choose happiness (mostly).