It’s a new day and i’m feeling calmer. When Sir Raven left yesterday, i mopped the house and moved the scented candle off the Altar. Then i tried to turn my attention to school, took two tests and turned in more late work.
i had asked if i might purchase my own small statue of Shango, so i could light candles in another location. Before i ask her anything of a Spiritual nature, i look to see if there is a specific prohibition that i can find. Some things women cannot touch. Some things people who are not crowned should not do. At Sir Raven’s Spiritual birthday, her Godfather went to pick up one of the items i have been told to not touch because i’m a woman and it was covered in dust. i was mortified. We had this comedic moment where i apologized profusely, telling him i had been told to not touch it in any way, and at the same time i tried to take it from him and stopped. He tried to hand it to me to clean and stopped. It happened a few times, til we both laughed and he called for Sir Raven to take it and clean it. Heh.
When Sir Raven angrily told me that it was her Altar, hers to take care of, i had to bite the inside of my lip to not reply that she doesn’t take care of us. That she thinks cleaning once a year is fine. That no one wants to live in a dusty, dirty house. What i did say was that i have not done anything that they have not asked me to do. And that is absolutely true. They asked me to wash the outside of the houses, to give them light, to play music sometimes.
Sir Raven approved, or at least allowed, all of these things. At one time, she even told me that i could light the ceremonial candles.
For whatever reasons, she has changed her mind. There is nothing i can do but accept and follow. It does hurt. It feels like yet another demotion, yet another route to loving her is gone.
Before i finally left for a while to get my head together, i had tried to live here giving her everything but access to my heart. i served. i was pleasant. Her house was clean, her meals were good, her life made easier through my efforts. i was what i had thought she wanted, without any interest on my part to s/m, love, sex, warmth, anything from her. And she was miserable. i wish i could understand why.