Sir Raven has been putting in a lot of effort in the last two weeks in showing me her feelings.  And i’ve noticed.  She is building up my wardrobe in a way that hasn’t happened since i first moved here and she had me donate 99 percent of my clothes.  She is actively ignoring my usual concerns about saving the money for other things and telling me directly to order what i need.  Yesterday, i was really touched when she sent me a link to a new dress place, because she said she passes the store daily and thinks of me.

i always put myself last.  It’s nice that she is showing me that she isn’t.

Neither of us were expecting me to have to withdraw from school, which caused a financial hit.  She seriously just sent out the money for the little Florida trip that i had been expecting to pay for.  i really half expected her to tell me she’d pay what i had already promised but to stay here in New York to avoid other trip related expenses (eating out, cabs, whatever).  But she didn’t.  That says a lot to me, particularly that she isn’t make me feel like shit about the whole thing.

i’ve been working super hard, pushing myself this week.  i had to do a bunch of calls for school, and for some reason i’ve always struggled with making business type calls.  i got all of the heavy weekly chores done (washing walls, hauling laundry, a few grocery trips, etc).  The whole house is dusted, fresh sheets on the bed, some of the extra stuff is put up, and i have gathered a few items together for the trip.  It’s been busy.

Compliments of the primaries, and schools letting out half day for testing, the buses were a hot mess and i had to lug all of the heavy blankets and towels and her spiritual clothes up and down the stairs twice-because the buses were so damn full the doors couldn’t close.  Ugh.  But i got it all done.

Maybe as a result of two days back-to-back of heavier work, maybe for no damn reason at all, my back went out and i was in a shit ton of pain last night.  i couldn’t take more pain meds, and finally asked Sir Raven to help me.  She calmly asked what she could do.  i told her i just needed her right next to me, that i could cope if i could just feel her close.  She stayed next to me all night long, which was just huge in terms of filling me with trust.   It allowed me to get some much needed sleep.

i woke up early in pain, 6:30 this morning, to be exact.  i took some meds and rocked myself on my playpen til it started working and played the game Sir Raven installed on the new toy for me.  Bah.  i can’t remember what the thing is called.  Like an ipad but not made by apple.  Anyhow, it gave me a chance to get my chores done early.  By the time Sir Raven’s alarm went off at eight, i had the kitchen cleaned, bathroom cleaned, was cleaned up, hair fixed, and french press ready.  i brought it to her hot, along with her ice water, and put it wordlessly next to her head.   She groaned in reply, sleepily thanking me on her way to wash up.

i got all of the paperwork in today, along with a doctor’s note, that i just need to fax off tomorrow.  i was actually assertive and told them exactly what the note needed to say.  The doctor annoys me sometimes, because i had just given her the “i’m lucky i’m not more damaged from being born one pound, seven and a half ounces” speech but that i do have special needs on occasion, and have a harder time rebounding from being sick and the fibromyalgia.  i always feel compelled to say that i am lucky (because it’s true) and give thanks daily for what i can see and do (also true).  Then she said i just have to have a positive attitude.  For a split second, i fantasized about punching her, and then telling her that isn’t a big deal-she should just have a positive attitude.  It’s just so able-ist to tell someone who already has a damn good attitude and just finishing saying that how to feel about their own disabilities.  i mean, Jesus.  Don’t they have a sensitivity class for doctors?

i was supposed to meet up with friends at the Botanical Gardens so i went straight from the walk-in to the grocery.  i started a roast, mopped the house, and the gardens got cancelled.  So i spent the afternoon in bed, watching a series on Netflix called, “The Ascent of Woman” and reading my textbook so i don’t forget anything.  i have to keep studying so i am ready in a few weeks.  i spent time meditating, enjoying the perfect weather, and opening the bedroom window wide for the perfect cool breeze.  i’ve noticed that i’m feeling much happier the last couple of weeks, now that i’m not always sick or trying to figure out meds or in constant pain.  i wonder if the nuerontin wasn’t deadening my feelings because it was an enormous amount daily, now greatly reduced.  i’ve already told Sir Raven that i want this awesome dick for Christmas, which mimicks what i’m doing on her end.  Here is it:

She said yes!!  Woot!  Can’t wait.  Can’t wait!!

Sir Raven turned on a Key and Peel sketch last night, a pirate one, that was running through my head all day.  “We don’t say bitch and we don’t say ho, cause that is direspectful, yo!”  Heh.  When Sir Raven came home, and she laughed about my doctor story, I asked if she knew why i didn’t punch the doctor.  “Because that would be disrespectful, yo?”  “Yep.” And we laughed.  We are so silly.  Thank God we laugh every daily, usually several times.

Somehow, my new dresses came in already.  The one is just okay, but the price was excellent.  The white one will be awesome for summer.  It’s so soft and cute.  Maybe it will be hot enough to wear it in Florida.  i hope Mickey Mouse remembers me!  i’m gonna be on the hunt for a new pink Pooh.  i can’t wait to swim.

But i’ve also settled back into our routine, and realize what a comfort it is to me.  i need the routine, the protocols, the consistency.  It makes me feel secure in our little bubble.  i’m aware of a low level anxiety of being away from Sir Raven for days next week, something she put there, consciously or not-i don’t know.  It’s strange, because i have tried to not be here, but my heart never leaves her.  Sir Raven has attached my sense of safety and belonging to her, my ability to be well to being here.

i hope this isn’t super choppy.  i was writing before Sir Raven got home, so i stopped to meditate and light candles and fix my hair.  Then i stopped again to serve wine and find out about her day.  Then she decided she didn’t want the roast and spanish rice i fixed.  She wanted bacon and eggs instead.  Somewhere in there i had a serious pain spike and took more medicine.  Cleaned the kitchen, checked more things off Wunderlist.  Heh.  Oh well.  i’m glad you guys are my friends and stick by me.  Thank you.



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