The podcast went wonderfully, over all. Sir Raven was pleased, the food was good and just the right amount, and it wound up around 2am. i kept up with the cleaning and washing, and Ro helped, so by the time the last guests left all i had to do was to put up the snack trays i had made up for them around 11pm and mop the kitchen.
Sir Raven told me to go get my mani-pedi yesterday, which is her way of acknowledging me. She also noticed how long my nails had gotten, that i had already gone a month with the gels, and knows it hurts to wait that long.
We had a lovely long weekend of silence after the podcast, which is just what Sir Raven needed. She is still quite sick, and i’ve had a touch of it myself. She rested, watched her youtube videos that yap, yap, yap. i was silent and quiet and have noticed that she approaches me for hugs and kisses when i’m that way. Last night, she surprised me by asking me to lay down in bed with her. i was really touched.
Today, i was invited to sit in on a second life discussion on collars. It has been on my mind anyhow since the gathering. i’ve moved through a lot of stages and emotions on the topic and i’ve come to some conclusions.
- i was angry about feeling like it was taken away, without cause or talking. i think i had a right to feel that way, but my feeling doubled my stay in Florida over the winter, because i was not allowed to come home until i was over my anger over many issues.
- i felt that Sir Raven was taking a risk with us, and that she was deliberating shaming me. At the time, it did not occur to me that she could not shame me without shaming herself and this might be the only way she had to tacitly acknowledge that she wasn’t doing her job as a Master.
- i don’t have to feel good about how she does something to acknowledge that she has the right to do it. This includes the right to make mistakes, get it wrong, and still be Master. If i want her grace for being human, then i need to provide the same grace in return.
- Sir Raven had to have time to get over her resentment that i was doing the work on our relationship and keeping to our agreements when she was not.
- i am a slave, by vocation and social status, with our without a collar.
- i am quite capable of letting people know that i’m owned, and who my Owner is. i don’t need a collar to do that for me.
- While i have moments of sadness or anger, they pass. No matter how precious, It is an object, and it doesn’t belong to me. i am stronger for realizing that i don’t need anything to speak for me and that i will stand up for myself. The collar neither makes us nor breaks us.
- i asked for cuffs and a dress collar for my birthday, because i enjoy wearing these items locked on by her, because they emphasize and (the cuffs) helps manifest the energy she likes to have around her. i’d really appreciate having a collar, whether it ends up being something leather and worn occasionally or the return of the eternity collar remains to be seen. i’d be happy either way. i’ve given it thought since a collar kept yelling at me at BL, a nod from her Ancestors. It is not any kind of statement about me as a person, me as a slave, to wear them. i know that i have done my very best by her every single day. That is more than enough. i respect myself, my station, my worth. i am worth respecting.
- We tried a bracelet to cue both of us of the kind of attention needed. Cuffs lock, and we both need that. Even if the collar is not returned or another one is not purchased. In truth, i asked for her to not make a big deal out of this birthday, because we are going to a lot of events and they aren’t cheap. i asked for what i really wanted but don’t want anything else.
- We reached a turning point, for me, months ago when Sir Raven made a few nasty remarks about “how i’m a great slave in the blog,” and i knelt down in front of her and asked her to show me one single page that is not true. She sat back in slow motion, like she had just been doused in ice water, and had a lightbulb moment. She admitted that every word was true, that i do give her my best, and that it was not fair to be angry at me for doing the work. When i was able to stand up to my own Master and acknowledge that i was a good slave, i knew then that the collar did not define me. When she was able to genuinely apologize, she stopped looking for reasons to be critical of me, and found instead that i’ve been here all along being the best version of myself that i can be day in and day out. That moment was like a window had been opened wide, letting a breeze come through a hot and cramped room.