So funny!

Sir Raven has duly decided my kitty shall be named jubilee.  i think it’s hilarious with controlling the stuffies.

The other day, she points out, again-how this is the very last stuffy.  i sniffle and pout, point out all of her DVDs, book collections, art collections, 200 frigging audio tapes-

All of my stuff fits in a drawer, and three cubby spots, more or less.  My stuffed animals are my friends.  How can i have too many friends?

i point out that when i graduate, i need another bear.  She can’t argue with that flawless argument.

***The other day, we were in bed and it was close to midnight-

“Girl, are you awake?”

“No, Daddy, not really.  Did you want something?”

“Breakfast, but not too fluffy pancakes.  Your pancakes, girl, are too fluffy.”

i snorted laughter, awake now.  “Master,” I bust out laughing now, “Do you have any idea how good your life is when ‘too fluffy pancakes’ is your biggest marital complaint?”

i make bacon and eggs, i think.  But every time that crosses my mind, i tease her and giggle.  She also does not like my waffles, because they are too fluffy as well.  i have tried to grasp what is wrong with them, but she just would rather do it herself, than have something offend her on the plate.  Because she isn’t a perfectionist-at all.  Right?!  lol.

***

Last night, we did talk.  i pulled my floor pillow in between her feet, and she let me take off her leather converses and socks.  She listened to me quickly run through the list of packing, the news on the Meal Plan, and just chatter about questions she asked.  She liked her berry pie, but said it would be better with plain vanilla ice cream, so i got her Breyers today.

Tonight is her late night, so no s/m going on tonight. Understandably so.

i’ve got everything together in one suitcase, which she wanted.  i’m trying to pack everything that might be needed or wanted and also remembering that Sir Raven wants to pack fairly light.  So, that is what i’m doing.  i finally chose some shirts for her, because i’m thinking she will be too exhausted to care when she gets home.

i picked up the wine and her brand of kuerig coffee pods, cream, sugar, and disposable mugs-bc a hotel never gives us enough of it.  i have dark chocolate kisses, cold bottles of wine, and foot soak for the Masters.  i carry a variety of creature comforts from bathroom spray to baby wipes to insect repellant (from the baby line of burts bees) because Sir Raven cannot abide the harsh scents and it will cause a migraine.  i carry emergen-c for her, aspirin, muscle relaxers, migraine pills.  i need to get the meds packed up, but just about everything else is together.

i have a bunch of picnic stuff in the frig for when we get home.

 

i got wildly pissed off this morning, when her house shoe-which she will not go anywhere without-got somehow in a loose spring from under her sofa chair.  It has an ancient pull out bed, which NO ONE would ever want to sleep on.  But she insists it stay, so it stays.  i tried pulling it out, swept under there while i was at it, and couldn’t find the shoe.  i had to pick it up, and its incredibly heavy.  i wanted to throw it out the window, for a moment.  The loveseat, that is, not the shoe.

 

i don’t want SR to get injured lifting it.  i also decided to wait and see what pans out of the situation bothering me before i talk about it.  i just want us to go and enjoy the weekend, come home, enjoy being home together before she has to go back to work.  i’m really happy we are going.

i did talk to her about what she promised, which was cuffs or choker, and she agreed.  i pointed out that we both enjoy it when she keeps her promises.  i think her favorite part of pride was getting my ugly cry face on facebook.  LOL.

Oh, the many joys of CNC friends.  You have no idea!

We will be back home Sunday, but i’ll have my laptop with me.  😀

 

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Ready, set, …

i’ve started putting things together that need to go with us.  i got the frig cleaned out, and need to make a second trip down of the recycling, when i can.  Dinner is leftover turkey meatloaf, warm and waiting in the crock pot.

The berry pie looks yummy and i made sure she has ice cream in the freezer.

i also watched a documentary on poverty on netflix, and am now listening to another documentary with a brilliant story teller (all verified by producers) on death row. i’m exhausted but pulled through my day.  i did lay down and rest, even though i can’t sleep and needed to.  The documentaries are my favorite part of netflix.  Yes, i am a Nerd.  🙂

i just fixed my make-up and hair, which has baby girl curls trying to escape everywhere.  i hate that.

i’m excited because i’m gonna ask SR to help me make GLOW IN THE DARK BUBBLES!  Yes!  i know it’s awesome.  You open up the glow sticks and pour it into bubbles, so while the gentlemen are all busy smoking cigars outside, i can blow bubbles.  Yay.

i am trying to be calm and meditate, but i got some bad news today.  i need to talk to Sir Raven first, but i am needing to purge this frustration and need some attention from her to do that.  Just in case, i just reshaved everything, washed again of course.  i’ve been dealing with this stress, a major stressor, for months-and i simply have reached my breaking point where i need her.

There is also something else i need to talk to her about, because i’m going to ask her to do something simply because it will make me feel good and will help me feel calm, the way she likes me.

And i’m nervous-about asking for either thing that i need.  i don’t want to hear “no” one more time and don’t want to have her touch me for the first time in a year and a half in a room full of strangers, in an unknown place, in public.  i need a moment of private time, first.  Not to mention, one of the items she wants to bring has neither been used nor cleaned in so long the leather no longer feels supple.  i can focus on her-no matter what-and enjoy playing in public a great deal.  i’d really like to just feel us reconnect first.

We’ll see…

Slavery is…

Slavery is sometimes easy, like when the shame tape starts rolling, and i can shut that bitch in my head up immediately.   The line that starts the shame tape rolling is, “A good slave would…” and i stop it-right there-!

A good slave would obey.

Almost anything can be answered with that.  The only situations i can think of that not obeying would be what a good slave would do is if the Master is being protected by not obeying.

Slavery is easy when i know her so well, i can easily pick out gifts and times when she needs a little something special

when we play together, goof off, watch the same silly movies, know what each other needs.  She has gotten better at enjoying the moment, without rushing it or letting grump ruin a great memory.  i have gotten better at making my energy small, and not being a constant ball of happy energy.  We both are sending each other beautiful pictures of our day again, texting during the day, and using wunderlist.  It makes her a wee bit disgruntled that she doesn’t have time to look at wunderlist during the day because she doesn’t carry her cell around, but it seems like she really likes knowing what has been done any time she wants to sign in.  i think it has made us closer, helped with communication.  She does love a list.  ❤

Slavery is sometimes hard-

like when you are exhausted, but keep going, keep moving, and get the jobs done.

like when you have to wait to pack, and make a list while she is talking, because obedience trumps being proactive,

and when i visit two stores to find the one brand and scent of deoderent on me that is Master-approved, or stand on two lines in one store to save money, or  remember to text coming and going.

It’s hard when you have to be mute, and its hard when you have to have a real and difficult conversation with your Master.  Still, we are happiest when we are living in a way that is consistent with our values and who we are at the core.  i know i am. ❤  That is a whole lot more than most people control in their lives, and that is one of the ironies in M/s.  You crave control, and end up having to control yourself to do a million things another way, and be cheerfully obedient all of the time.  i try to always be pretty for her, and i wish i was a prettier girl for her.  i smell nice, wear pretty sundresses, sleep wearing lipstick, keep a clean house and hot meals served when she wants them.  Every day, i know i gave everything i had to her, for her pleasure.  Even when it isn’t good enough, i know i did my best.  There is a huge amount of satisfaction in feeling that each day.

Today, i’m thankful that we continue to grow, and that i know how to offer support when she is stressed (making the list from what she said to pack rather than just packing), knowing i will be micromanaged suddenly due to her stress.  It’s a wonder to me that she doesn’t have me on a collar and leash in public places when she can.  She would love to have one of those kid leashes on me at times!  i’m happy i know what comfort items that my Master will appreciate having.  i’m also happy because she recently mentioned wanting to get me a leather vest, though i don’t think it will happen any time soon.  i have one on my wishlist to show her that i really love, and its 65 dollars, a fair price.  Also, eternitycollars came out with a fully steel locking padlock heart that goes in where the screw would normally go in the collar or cuffs.  She said i will have it one day.  In the meantime, we have vendors to explore.  When Sir Raven told me i could purchase the collar at BL, i said i’d rather wait to find a collar together for special occasions where i can wear a leather collar.  i’d love cuffs, to work on a subtle cue to calm my energy in a way that puts her in direct control of communicating needing this and i think it might work well for us to have some kind of nightly bondage, something that isn’t locked, because Master may kill me if i wake her up to pee so she can unlock me.  Also, we both got up at 6:30 yesterday morning.  She went to bed exhausted at 8.  i was up until nearly 1am.  i woke up late this morning, about 7:30-right before she had to leave.

So far today, all chores are done.  The botanical gardens had basil plants, shallots, and a new mixed berry pie for Sir Raven.  i picked up hersheys kisses, because Masters drop too when they play, and its a good way to get their sugar back up quickly.  So, i always pack them for parties.  i got her some little snacks for the trip.  i picked up meds that we both needed at Walgreens.  That took two hours because a bus on that route broke down and it was too hot to walk home (per Sir Raven).  i need to run back out, later, but i can’t move an inch right now.  i had to turn the a/c back on because it is HOT, humid, sticky, and sweaty.  One shower a day is not enough in the summer time in New York.  i still walked two miles so far today.

i’m dealing with the pain, am thankful for meds, and am going to try to obey and nap today because that has gone out the window for awhile lately.  Weeks really.  Sir Raven has warned me a few times already.  i’m trying, really. Also, she noted that i haven’t colored in the last two weeks and expects me to start sitting at her feet and coloring again.  Its a pleasant time for both of us.

i’d show you her keychain, but she is using it.  Maybe i will remember tonight.

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Ready for the storms that never came yesterday in rain boots.

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Wunderlist and Routines

Someone wrote and asked about the role of routines in my life.  i have check lists every day that details what i am doing in the morning, afternoon, and evening.  i already wrote about the protocols, and how Sir Raven gets a real-time notice when i have finished a task.  i tend to do several jobs at a time, then check them off.

i think you wanted to know what the chores were?

Morning:

Get up with Sir Raven and make french-press, if able.  If SR is having a difficult time resting, i sit up until she is asleep.  If i’m in pain to the point of insomnia, i have permission to sit on the playpen and quietly write, color, watch tv, read.

i make her bed, clean the bathroom, sweep and mop the apartment, clean the kitchen, put away the clean dishes, sort/wash the recycling, wash ashtrays, add anything that needs to be added to the errands list.  i tidy up whatever she may leave around (socks, shoes, papers, garbage, whatever).  i usually practice reiki lessons and/or meditate.  i also read blogs and check emails.

Afternoon:

Take down garbage/recycling, grocery shop, run errands, do laundry, have doctors appointments, dinner prep (get everything together, chop herbs/vegetables, marinade meats).  Have everything purchased put away.  Cook dinner, serve, clean it up.  Make her lunch, set up french press for the morning, rewash ashtrays, turn lamps off.  Consult list for the next day.  Write.  Make sure water/wine glass is full, ashtray dumped, snacks served all evening.

Sometime during the week:

Laundry (usually twice a week), wash walls, take everything out of frig and wash it, wash baseboards, dust bedroom, dust living room, wash the hutch and glasses, brillo pad oven top, sort laundry, pull furniture out to clean under sofas, wash windowsill, visit the farmers market (Wednesday). Try to text, email, call friends.

Monthly:

doctor visit, two pharmacy trips, pay bills, go over bank notice, keep my nails done, get ready for podcast or get together.

My goal is for Sir Raven to have absolutely nothing she has to do outside of working.  We talked about that tonight, actually.  We each have luxuries in life.  Sir Raven pointed out that i’d be homeless inside of two weeks in New York.  True.  i told her since i’ve been trying to save money, it made me realize how much luxury i have.  i usually get a starbucks when i pick up my meds, get pedicures, get manicures more often, will get myself a snack once in a while when i’m out and i always think of how lucky i am.  Sir Raven says her life contains luxury too-like not ever having to do anything outside of work.  She gets snacks in bed, cleaned up after, waited on-all day, every day.  i get her little treats all the time.  This week, it was brownies in her lunch and a stainless steel keychain that i think she loves a little bit.  The week before, it was a bamboo plant and her favorite lotion.  Just small tokens of love.  i also thank Sir Raven for something every day, thank her for paying bills.

We are going away for the weekend, and i’m super excited.  Its made this a short week though, and much to fit in.  i got most of the weekly chores done already, but have hardly stopped.  Today, i spent two hours dealing with the pharmacy and doctors office.  Sir Raven gave me a list of what needs to be packed, and i’m waiting until she decides which suitcase to officially pack it all.  i need to purchase a few things-extra wine and bustello keurig cups for the hotel room.  Maybe some small snacks, since we will have a frig.

We also talked about how upset i am about school, and how i feel like i’m still paying for something else that happened, because they are dragging their feet in deciding anything for the tuition waiver and now i have to wait until the end of August to return.  😦  i’m beyond frustrated.  Obviously, i can’t do anything else until i get this waiver resolved, but Sir Raven wants me to look into other schools.  So, i need to find time to add that in someplace.  i’ve been reading/studying and i’m sad that my brain has problems from being knocked unconscious so many times.  i’ll forget half of what i read by now, so i suppose i’ll be starting over there too.  On the plus side, it will let me get through the worst part of the year for me physically and i won’t have to struggle through a short semester.  i’m trying to let go and trust that this is what is best.

 

The hotel has an indoor pool, and i can’t wait to swim.  i have never ordered room service before and we might get to do that!  i’m very excited to be able to support a friend of ours.  i’m happy to be going on a mini vacation with Sir Raven.  Horray!

Shades of grey

i never had the luxury of believing people are all good, or all bad.

My grandmother told me in a hysterical rage that i was ever born, spat the words out at me, “I told your mother to abort you.  I told you mother to get rid of you.”

i didn’t know what the word “abort” meant-

i was five years old.

She is also the person who called me good girl, more than any other person ever has in my life.  i genuinely loved the woman.  And in the midst of an unstable, chaotic, trauma-filled life-she lived in the same house and had the same phone number my entire life.

She called me one day, when i was in my late twenties, and asked me if i wanted to go to Italy with her.  There is nothing I have ever wanted more than to travel, and Italy makes my top 3 Fantasy list.  My only question was if my mother was invited too.  When i found out she was not, i demured and said no, thank you.

My grandmother screamed at my mother through the phone: “Goddamn you, (mother’s real name), you ruined her!  You destroyed her! She won’t go without you.  I told you to stop beating that kid.  She’s terrified of everything.”

I think about that sometimes, when I’m walking in the Summer time with a cool breeze, and i think but i did make it-i got away from her.

i am living and thriving in a place that everyone told me that i would never make it.  

And i’ve been in a relationship for five years.  The truth is, we are still in love with each other.  i hope if i have proven anything else, its my unyielding desire to pay my Master back, for taking a chance on me-when a lot of people would not see past the white cane.  i show her love in actions, every day.  And while i never feel like i could do enough to prove it, i know i put everything i have into being a good slave every day.  It is all i know, all i have ever known.  

Master,

Thank you for letting me put my hand in your lap when i’m afraid or in pain.  Thank you for checking something off my Bucket List-3 things in one day.  Thank you for your support, for how hard you work all day, and for letting me sit at your feet tonight, while you touched me and i could feel you breathe.  It helped me feel quiet inside.  i try to make myself smaller all of the time, so i say too many words when i do try to talk.  i’m working on it.  i’m always trying to make myself better for you.  You are the first person in my life who held any goals for me, and have no doubt in me.  Even though i’m the first to admit, i am an idiot savant.  🙂  We’ve gone through some difficult winters together, but we are learning.  

Vous et nul autre,

j

Dear Friends

Chris brought to my attention that i manage to not always reply to comments.  If i have done that to you, as well, then i must apologize to you as well.  That isn’t my intent.  i try to respond to every comment, because the comments are at least as important as anything that i have to say.

Sometimes, i only have time to click “like” as a way of acknowledging that i have read and appreciate what you had to say.

Sometimes, i need to think deeply about what has been said and want to give a reasonable, thoughtful reply.

Sometimes, i am replying on the train which has wi-fi but is sometimes spotty.

Sometimes, i am really touched, but words fail me, and so i might sent a ❤ instead.

In any case, i agree with Chris, that its fairly rude to have someone take time to write a comment and not get a personal reply.

In related news, i rarely check emails on the account linked to this blog, so i sometimes notice questions far later than they were asked.  i’m open to questions at any time, anonymously or not.  It would help if they were left in the comments, or if there is a comment alerting me that i need to check my emails.

Chris, i did reply to your earlier comment, and i apologize for not acknowledging you sooner.

****

Yesterday was a truly lovely day.  i don’t think either of us could have made it through watching the whole parade, and even just seeing the last five or ten minutes was everything to me.  Well, the kiss was everything, even if i did have to beg.

Sir Raven warned that i should never feel safe doing that, that we never are safe.  i am always paying attention to feeling that someone is paying us a little too much attention, especially if they are setting off my internal warning bell.  When this happens, i move my body in front of hers and walk in front of her because if we are going to get shot, its going to have to go through me first.

i always notice the easy way heterosexuals get to hug, hold hands, kiss, touch-all with never checking it their safety.  In particular, it bothers me when i’m feeling a lot of pain and sick from the pain and can’t put my head on her shoulder or lean against her for support.

There are people who feel just fine about lesbians, provided they adhere to their ideas of what lesbians should be-both femmes, basically.

There are people who feel that Butch is some kind of affront to their masculinity, or that if i just had a real dick, i’d be cured.

There are people that object to inter-racial relationships.

There are people who automatically assume that a person with disabilities is non sexual, but then stares because for some bizarre reason when people see two women in love, their mind goes straight to fucking.  We have had people directly ask us how we have sex, or loudly comment about it to each other.

So, for all of these reasons, we are careful.  Even in the greatest city in the world.

Maybe that is why i was so touched yesterday, that so many people don’t hate us.  Granted, i would imagine that a lot of the crowd is LGBTQ-but also there are straight allies.  On the way home, crowd goers who disbursed filtered back into the world, quietly.  If you were looking for it, you might notice the Disney backpack, with rainbow shaped mickey mouse heads.  Or the rainbow hued converses.  A few people rode all of the way back to our neighborhood, but no one spoke.  i always smile at and acknowledge Butches, even though i feel invisible as a femme all of the time.  i know how hard it is to be Butch from loving a few of them, and i want them to know that i see them with pleasure, not disdain.  When Sir Raven goes into a store i wait outside, and a young Butch holds the door open wide for me, making eye contact for a long moment.  In our own neighborhood, there is no acknowledgement of Pride going on.  In Manhattan, whole store fronts have displays in rainbow colors.  Some stores surprise me by offering pride clothes, shirts that read simply, “love is love.”  Everything feels full circle in a way, the tragedy in Orlando is remembered here at the start and end of the parade.  The woman next to me says the glittery float is for Pulse.

On the long ride home, i remember sitting in a car parked off to the side, ready to eat a hot dog and a milkshake.  i feel danger before i turn to look, a truck with a double-barrel shot gun in the window and a confederate flag pulled next to us.  i had instinctively pulled my hand out of her hand when something felt wrong.  It was meant to be a moment where we could forget our poverty and enjoy a rare treat.  My hands are already grabbing her food, and she pulls back out on the road quickly.  There is laughter from the truck and i worry they will follow.  It’s happened before.

i think about my girl self, the milkshakes melting in the summer heat, wanting so badly to escape this place.  And i want to give her a hug, show her the future, how for just one moment she will feel safe enough to exhale and kiss right in the street.  Kiss a woman she loves without reservation, beyond all reason.  That kiss, her perfect lips on mine, for just a moment-is everything i ever hoped for-and i wish it could last forever.

Pride!

Yesterday, when Sir Raven woke up, i served her ribs and rice.  The ribs were falling off the bone tender.  She said she had been dreaming about taking me to Build-a-bear.  She promised to take me many times over the last couple of years.  First, the huge two story place closed.  When she went to see what was left in Manhattan, she discovered that they were closing permanently on Monday.  i was really sad then, because i already knew this location was small to begin with, and expected they wouldn’t have any bears.

Sir Raven agreed to call this morning, and found out they had a limited amount of stuffies. i really, really, really wanted the New York bear.  i thought Sir Raven would like that one, but i never got it because i was hoping that she would take me to build-a-bear someday.

We made our way to Manhattan, a long ride of suspense to see if there would be any toys she would like for me.  At the end of the block, the very last moment of pride were happening.  i begged her to take us down for just a minute, and i was absolutely bowled over at the sheer number of people lining the streets.  i’ve never seen anything like it.  The news footage, even if you live here and understand the route, can’t convey its magnitude or how emotional it is.  Indeed, i started to get emotional, because my life has so often been constrained, limited, hidden by prejudice and hatred.  All i could say was, “Look at how many people don’t hate us, Daddy.”  i begged for a kiss, the fist time i felt safe enough to kiss her in public, in the light of day.  That kiss was the best part of my day.

We have never done anything for pride before at all, unless you count watching parts of the pride parade at home.  So this was special.  Incredibly special.  It was so joyful to just be able to kiss without having to worry.  Sincerely, that meant everything to me.  Sir Raven took a video of me, and a picture when i turned around, all full of emotion.

Then we went to Build a Bear.  True, a lot of friends were sold.  No care bears, which i wanted.  No New York Bears, which i also wanted.  For someone who has never been to build-a-bear before, Daddy had a lot of ideas about which friends were good-or not.  i wanted a doll that looks like me: baby pink curly pigtails and dimples.  So cute!  Daddy said no.  We saw the new Nemo Bear, which was a serious contender.  He looks like the ocean, which was grand.  Daddy vetoed the only carebear in the store, because she was too pink.  Another bear got ruled out because she was also too pink.   Daddy didn’t like the doll i loved with the light pink hair because her head bobbled.  i was starting to think that we wouldn’t find a friend.

Then, Daddy found her.  A rainbow cat in the window.  We were allowed to buy the display but we got help to look and found the only one unstuffed in the store.  She was at the bottom of the bin, hiding and waiting for her forever home.  i insisted Daddy do a voice recording for me.  That was the promise.  i told her to not say that my pancakes were too fluffy but to say something nice.

She started recording before she realized it, then says: “Hi Sweetie, Happy Pride!  Four years in, love wins!” and then, “You have failed me for the last time, girl!” (one of the silly movie lines from StarWars she says to me often).    It made me happy that she remembered today was the one year anniversary of the Supreme Count decision that gave us all equal rights, for the first time.  i won’t ever forget how magical that day felt, or how i couldn’t stop smiling for days.

Then we hustled back home.  We were out only 3 hours, and two of them was getting there and back.  We took a family pride photo on the train.  Meet our new friend-i wanted to name her Sadie, but Daddy said no.  i offered Jubilee or Destiny instead.  She likes Jubilee but it isn’t quite perfect.  Maybe i just need time to adjust to it because Sadie seemed perfect (it means Princess, and she was a pride princess with an auspicious birthday).  Anyhow-the whole family of Pride, bringing the joy and diversity on the D train:

 

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