i wrote a post about being hurt this afternoon, and then refocused on doing my best. i got my chores done, rearranged the furniture to make a giant playpen, showered and put on make-up so i looked a bit better than i’ve been feeling. Sir Raven has been on my playpen the last week or more, and mentioned yesterday that she wanted to lay down. So, i rearranged the furniture so she could. i took a picture of May doing Second Life. i made taco salad, ready for Sir Raven as soon as she got home.
i tried to talk to her about not being sure that i should be at Second Life, because so often my experience is polar opposite from what is being talked about. Today, it was about attitude, being able to be nice when people are not, and how this plays out in an M/s household. Someone mentioned that a Master needs to be aware, compromise, be mindful and not make extra work for the slave. i was glad my mic was off, because i busted out laughing.
i am always throwing Sir Raven’s garbage away that she leaves laying around, picking up her shoes or socks, carrying her dishes to the sink to wash them, straightening up her little piles of stuff here and there. She can be a mini cyclone at times 🙂
i thought about all of the things i had picked up just today, how i had rearranged furniture with mats underneath so they don’t slide around, how i had carefully removed each stem off of each leaf of her salad before cutting everything into small bites for her salad. i thought about how when she comes home i’ve learned to stand and wait, hold back, not behave like a happy puppy eager to greet her. Today has been another shitty day pain wise, and there is no point in saying anything. My body is all puffy, i’m running a fever, these things are flare signs. i can’t expect her to compromise enough to even hold me when i feel horrible-i get tired of asking and still not receiving.
So, when she got home, i mentioned the bit about compromise and how we both have to compromise with my disabilities but that i perceive this very different from compromising to make me happy or to make my life easier. Not that there is anything wrong with those things, they just don’t happen much here. She brought up what she knows to be a touchy example and sounded angry, her energy was angry. i have no idea what to do with a person whose mouth is saying, “I apologize,” while their attitude and demeanor are saying, “Fuck you.” i calmly pointed out a few times that she may not be feeling angry, but that is the energy i am receiving. And then i lost it, pantomimed her own demeanor back at her, and asked her how i could possibly feel heard or cared about like this. i don’t express my hurt or upset because the words she was using for me trying to calmly express how she has hurt me for years with the same behavior was just demeaning. i don’t know how or why i’d even want to bother to tell someone how i’m feeling if i’m going to be accused of “scolding” or “beasting” or whatever else. All of that attitude hurt more than the thing itself.
i sat in the bedroom and cried angry tears. Mainly because if i tell someone softly that they hurt me, i’m giving them benefit of the doubt. I’m expressing that i love them, that i want to believe it wasn’t deliberate and will stop, because otherwise-why even talk about it?
i never even said anything about her ugly remark in the party store, about how she didn’t really want me there. That only hurt because i had specifically asked her if she wanted me to go to help or not the night before and she said she wanted me to go. Just like the frequent comments about how i talk too much hurt because there is never acknowledgements about how often i’m very quiet or silent. It would be nice to hear “good girl” more than once a year-especially when i’m going out of my way all of the time, always bending and swaying and trying for her.
i don’t know. There is no point in trying to be honest or express feelings. Everything is just another reminder that i don’t fit in anywhere-not really.
So i came out of the bedroom, cleaned the kitchen, served the wine, and showed her all of the party supplies i had looked for and saved on my amazon wishlist for her work party. We talked about the Shahs of Sunset, watched a show. Another night done.
There are two times that i really wish she could learn to be gentle-
- When she hurts me and
- When i’m in pain. Today is both.