i’ve been sleeping like one does when you have an infant in the house for weeks.  She coughs and i check on her. She snores so loudly since ill that it is impressive.   i stay up so she can get into a good REM cycle and i don’t disturb her in any way most nights.

Last night, i just couldn’t stay up.  Shortly after she went to bed, i turned off the lamps and tv, made sure she had water by the bed, dumped ashtrays, made sure everything was done in the kitchen for the morning, and joined her.  Fibromyalgia-wise, i have been really going through it for many days.  The humidity and rain isn’t helping.  Back labor and feeling several seconds at a time as if my body has been attached to a live wire is miserable.  In bed, i just laid there and silently cried, praying to sleep to avoid it all.  The live wire thing happened and i cried out, woke her up, and she said, “what are you doing?” like i was over there goofing off or something.  i had already taken all of the meds i could take, so there was nothing else i could do.


i woke up late, sore, and exhausted.  Sir Raven left me two of her cigarettes, which was super sweet.  i have to go get cigarettes and dish soap today, but that will have to wait awhile until i can do stairs.  i’m supposed to be saving money up for our trip, so everything not necessary isn’t happening.  i cancelled plans with Karida for the month.  i already asked to not be doing anything for my birthday but don’t need to be blowing 50 bucks to go see the new Alice in Wonderland movie, either.

The school still hasn’t ruled on my petition waiver for tuition, and until they do i can’t register for classes.  It’s frustrating but there is nothing else i can do.  They have 45 days to decide.  Somehow, the Bursar thinks that i sleep on a mound of money at night, and that i can fork it over and wait for them to reimburse me.  So i may or may not have a large check before we go to TES-fest.  Boo.  If they don’t hurry up, i’m going to miss Summer classes and be another semester behind.  Any positive thoughts you guys have for me getting back in this semester, with financial aid intact, i’d appreciate it.

i am going to be a birthday girl in two weeks, and that is what i want for my birthday.  This birthday is actually special to me.  Ten years ago, i was nearly killed in a serious car wreck.  For that reason, i had made special plans for this year with Karida.  i had thought i would have had two student refund checks that didn’t happen, and i had decided that i was going to blow 150 dollars on myself-at Tiffanys.  i realized that it wasn’t ever going to happen how i really wanted it (from Sir Raven) but i could treat myself to something really special.  It seems silly now.  It is silly.

As it turns out, we will have to help out at a table for Folsom on my birthday.  We are famous for me packing an enormous picnic with wine.  Heh. Some people find us in the crowd just to have summer sausage, cheese, wine, grapes, carrots, and whatever other goodies i pack up.

i am actually really excited to be going to MSC this year, hanging out with the Second Life crew. Everyone there is very nice and my concern yesterday was not about fitting in per se, but that i might inadvertently be not respecting the culture of that group.  Sir Raven remarked that this meant i thought everyone had to be like me, which was not at all what i was trying to convey.  i’m used to not fitting in, wasn’t raised to care, and realize that we do things at a far end of CNC.  i just don’t want to be in a space and make other people uncomfortable.  Anyhow, it will be nice to spend time with the girls face-to-face.   i’m also looking forward to swimming in the pool this time.  i really, really hope that i can help out in some small way at the leather library.  Last time, i got to help move big bins of books to pack them up and that was the very best part of the event to me.  This time, i will have medicine, which will help a ton.  i had to get through all of the sitting with nothing last time, and it was horrendous.

i think ruining the evening last night was entirely my fault.  i know better.  i know to keep things to myself.  Inevitably, Sir Raven will imply that it’s so hard to be my Master.  i always want to ask what in the hell is so hard?  From my perspective, she does what she wants to do.  She is free to not participate in any way in our relationship and reap the same rewards.  Yesterday, she pointed out how we were going to the bus to the party supply place and to buy a fan, and we missed the bus.  She said it was my fault, because i had never been aware of being able to catch the bus there, and stopped to ask her questions.  She said she should have just been able to get the bus, and points to this as ways i make things hard for her.  i had thought we had already missed the bus when i asked questions.  She says she knows she doesn’t do certain things as much as i say, and because of that she shuts down on me.  i stand by it, because the first thing that i do when something hurts me is see if it is a pattern of behavior, so i’ve likely watched it for months before i make a big deal out of it.  i really should have just kept it all to myself.  Lesson relearned.


6 thoughts on “Exhausted

  1. Cinn says:

    Sweetie…. Is that really a listen you want to learn? Seems to me you deserve so much more and you seem to believe

    • jadescastle says:

      cinn, i keep thinking of this but it is already a lesson i learned a long time ago. There is no reason for me to believe that i deserve more, because in my mind if i really was good then good would happen. i think in intimate relationships, my mind is more childlike, in that if good things are happening its because of the Leader and if bad things are happening-it’s my fault somehow. i don’t know. Thanks for the kind words though. ❤

  2. 4evrfree says:

    ” i had thought i would have had two student refund checks that didn’t happen, and i had decided that i was going to blow 150 dollars on myself-at Tiffanys. i realized that it wasn’t ever going to happen how i really wanted it (from Sir Raven) but i could treat myself to something really special. It seems silly now. It is silly.”

    This is not silly. No not silly at all. It does however suck that it is not happening.

  3. mala says:

    50 bucks for movie? WTF?? That is insane!

    But seriously, I think you are too hard on yourself. I think you deserve better than what I read here…. I hope that your tuition gets sorted out. I hope that your birthday is wonderful. I hope that SR treats you to something wonderful. You are an awesome slave that any Master would love to have by their side. ❤ ❤

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