Messy Girl

i’m a bit messy inside today.

Yesterday, i noticed that Sir Raven had chest congestion (still!) and asked her what she took the night before because i noticed she wasn’t coughing when i sat up texting my favorite Goddess so she would be really asleep before i got in the bed.

Oh, the joys of being a slave with back labor!  🙂

She said she had taken the last of the delsym, and i offered to go out and get her some more.  Then, i laughed, remembering a documentary i had seen the night before on Viceland where a Russian explains that a woman who wants to be happily married should always treat her husband like a god and a giant baby.  i related this to Sir Raven, giggling, because my first reaction was to get my feminist panties in a twist-but then it was thwarted because this is exactly how i treat Sir Raven.  Oh! That’s why i pop my breast out and try and sooth you all the time but then defer to you like you are a god.  She laughed too.  True, girl, but weren’t you getting ready to go get something for me?  And with that i scampered off to go get her medicine, serve it to her with some orange juice to chase it down, and kiss her cheek.  A kiss of appreciation for my favorite muffin Man, i say, and we laugh.

We discussed how we are missing each other in the morning, because i am generally up with her before work.  She knows why i’m staying up and really appreciates it.  At the same time, it’s not ideal.  i was so exhausted the last few nights, and last night i finally laid down on my playpen and zonked out.  Sir Raven made me coffee this morning, and said she woke up when she realized i wasn’t in the bed, came out to get me, but i was out so hard she let me sleep out here.  That really touched me, that she still wants me in her bed by her, that even in her medicated sleep, she wanted me.  ❤

i woke up from having another dream where i had evidence that my brother had been raping me, and was trying to flush it down the toilet before my mother could bust the  door down.  My subconscious has been throwing up things for a few weeks, and i’m handling it like a champ.  Just calm, noticing.  i understand what is going on, of course, but there is nothing to be done.  Whats done is done.  i don’t give two fucks about what i have done to survive in life.  i regret when it hurts people, but otherwise-i survived.  i am not ashamed.

i don’t think anyone gets the right to judge me for surviving.  Even in the last few years, there have been times i have felt desperate to escape the pain and bad things.  Shango has always come with me and protected me, and he has shown me who people really are.  The people most vocal about my life here should have always been trusted the least.  i won’t ever forget.

As a result, i don’t really trust anyone anymore.  i can’t afford to.  The Marine once remarked that i still live in chains, but that i just don’t see them.  i remember being perplexed by this, brought it to Sir Raven, who said mildly-Of course i am.  

They are chains i can’t outrun.

i can get angry, rage against the machine, know things are not where they could and should be-but something inside me broke in the last year.  Perhaps it could be thought of as what was left of my will.  i don’t know.

Sir Raven is smarter about people than i am, if i let them in my heart.  She always has been.  When Sir called her years ago-outraged that i finally balked at the years of emotional abuse and snapped, Sir Raven coldly replied that she should throw me on the floor and rape me-or shut up.  It took me a year to be able to ask Sir Raven about it, what if that had emboldened Sir, but she said she knew it wouldn’t happen and that she was calling her bluff.

This morning, i texted Sir for her birthday.  i always do.  And i discovered that Siri had sent Sir some pictures with a “happy place pics of the day” note that were meant for Sir Raven.  i generally open text boxes by speaking them, and a few times i have said, “text my Master” and Master Kaddens came up instead. It happens randomly, when there is background noise, but i usually notice.   The pictures weren’t anything shocking or anything i’d be upset to have sent, really, they just were sent accidentally which i pointed out to Sir.  She replied that perhaps she should forward them to Sir Raven, so she has a copy.  And i thought-you are such an Ass.  Sir Raven could not give a shit less, she knows where i am, who i am.  Shango showed me who Sir was five years ago, when she could not handle her own Household.  She is an idiot if she thinks a picture just like the ones i post here could hurt mine.  i was really just trying to be kind and thoughtful to wish her a happy birthday, but i suspect this will be the last time i reach out.

Today, i give thanks for the chains that hold me safe from people who would only hurt me again.  Today, i thank the Orisha for knowing my heart and protecting me from it.


5 thoughts on “Messy Girl

  1. mala says:

    Ah, that is so sweet about bringing you coffee and missing you 🙂

    Regarding the dreams… I’ve been going through them for 5 years, off and on… you’ve got it right to just “observe” and move on… I am still learning how to do that… getting better though!

    Also, I think you shouldn’t reach out to anyone not deserving of your time, and obviously that person is not!!

    • jadescastle says:

      mala, one benefit of living mindfully is that i can be aware of things like the dreams but not let it damage me. Getting stuck in the “did this really happen?” thing is a no-win battle. Every time you remember anything, it’s a different experience, so i just take it to mean that i’m feeling safe and grounded enough to handle the information. i’m really okay with it. i practiced lucid dreaming for most of my life but the new meds make that impossible. You may want to look into that, for times that it is too intense. hugs, j

      • mala says:

        I used to be obsessed with lucid dreaming! Kind of got bored with it one day though.. Maybe I’ll try it again.

  2. butchcountry67 says:

    that was very nice of your Sir to leave you to sleep in your playpen , and to bring you coffee in the morning , very much respect to your Sir 🙂

    I actually had to google Shango and Orisha , for the longest time I never quite understood when you spoke of them, now I get it , and thank you , without you even realizing it you taught me something new ! and yep you have done so on more than one occasion:)

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