Shades of grey

i never had the luxury of believing people are all good, or all bad.

My grandmother told me in a hysterical rage that i was ever born, spat the words out at me, “I told your mother to abort you.  I told you mother to get rid of you.”

i didn’t know what the word “abort” meant-

i was five years old.

She is also the person who called me good girl, more than any other person ever has in my life.  i genuinely loved the woman.  And in the midst of an unstable, chaotic, trauma-filled life-she lived in the same house and had the same phone number my entire life.

She called me one day, when i was in my late twenties, and asked me if i wanted to go to Italy with her.  There is nothing I have ever wanted more than to travel, and Italy makes my top 3 Fantasy list.  My only question was if my mother was invited too.  When i found out she was not, i demured and said no, thank you.

My grandmother screamed at my mother through the phone: “Goddamn you, (mother’s real name), you ruined her!  You destroyed her! She won’t go without you.  I told you to stop beating that kid.  She’s terrified of everything.”

I think about that sometimes, when I’m walking in the Summer time with a cool breeze, and i think but i did make it-i got away from her.

i am living and thriving in a place that everyone told me that i would never make it.  

And i’ve been in a relationship for five years.  The truth is, we are still in love with each other.  i hope if i have proven anything else, its my unyielding desire to pay my Master back, for taking a chance on me-when a lot of people would not see past the white cane.  i show her love in actions, every day.  And while i never feel like i could do enough to prove it, i know i put everything i have into being a good slave every day.  It is all i know, all i have ever known.  

Master,

Thank you for letting me put my hand in your lap when i’m afraid or in pain.  Thank you for checking something off my Bucket List-3 things in one day.  Thank you for your support, for how hard you work all day, and for letting me sit at your feet tonight, while you touched me and i could feel you breathe.  It helped me feel quiet inside.  i try to make myself smaller all of the time, so i say too many words when i do try to talk.  i’m working on it.  i’m always trying to make myself better for you.  You are the first person in my life who held any goals for me, and have no doubt in me.  Even though i’m the first to admit, i am an idiot savant.  🙂  We’ve gone through some difficult winters together, but we are learning.  

Vous et nul autre,

j

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One thought on “Shades of grey

  1. olivia says:

    Smh about your grandmother but glad you escaped your mother, glad you have love.

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