Here i am, to process a bit. i’m having a lot of strong feelings today, and i need to manage them better than i am right now. i’m in a upset little space, where everything feels big and overwhelming and scary.
The most important thing is that i managed to get everything done. Dinner is cooking, the frig has extra half and half, wine, salad mix, cherry tomatoes. We have a surplus of on sale coffee, jasmine rice, and lemonade. The house is freshly dusted, mopped, cleaned. i got everything sorted and put away from our trip yesterday. We were both exhausted yesterday. i nearly cried when i realized i needed to go out for cigarettes, i was that exhausted. It’s very overstimulating to be in that many people with no playpen. i know what to do here for Sir Raven-basically, get on my playpen and be quiet. But at the conference, there was a massive amount of people everywhere and SR had to guide me through it about ten feet at a time, which is exhausting for both of us. i swear to God, a leash would be easier than her tense, short commands, Wait, stop, turn right girl, i mean, wait. Goddamn it. Excuse me, Excuse me people. Go girl go.
Plus, there were a lot of littles everywhere and i was upset because they were very mean and bossy littles. That made me really very sad, for their Daddies. It seemed the whole point to quite a number of women was a constant, steady stream of, “Buy that toy. Take me there. You are going to buy me another treat. You didn’t fuck me enough. ” Not any, “Daddy, what can i get for you? Daddy, thank you for taking care of me. Master, i am always proud to be Yours. Daddy, thank you for taking me.” Well-i can’t say-NOT ANY-because i said it all many times, and maybe other little girls did too. It just isn’t what i heard any of. And it made me feel very, very sad for the Daddies. i wanted to give them a hug, and say, how can i make you smile, Daddy? Because i was definitely not getting the sense that these Daddies got off on that, though i would imagine that some did.
It was also sad there were so few people of color, so few Queer couples, so few Butch/femme couples. Every room felt welcoming but very Different From Us.
So, that is a lot of feeling stuff, there.
i thought about him, a lot, if i ever made him sad when i made silly demands for chocolate cake. i hoped not. i know i can be bossy when i’m five, but i try really hard not to. It’s hard to permanently be a small child, who needs help all of the damn time, when as soon as small children can talk they are asserting themselves.
i’m often trying to not assert myself.
i am well aware that my opinion is often not known, and not really valued. i am very often not listened to, on even mundane matters and then told i am wrong. i am quite well aware that i go without things i need like air, for tons of time, and i become stuck in anger, pushing down rage. i respond with cheerful obedience most of the time; if i did not do exactly what you said then i am likely doing what your actions have told me you value. So i’m constantly serving in one way or another. Sometimes, yes, that involves my mind-like when we prepped for her panel. Or doing what i could to see to their comfort overall, being prepared, timely, reminding, having notes, thinking ahead. Or pushing through barriers and exhaustion and feelings to be upbeat, cheerful, happy, thoughtful, and happy to serve. i’m that around 95% of the time, according to my own Master. It’s a kind of mindfulness, this is how we live together, we joke and tease and i chirp in response to her.
It became funny when the fifth or sixth thing i had packed, that SR had unpacked, how she had controlled the shit out of having those things. And we would laugh at it together.
Something has to upset me a very great deal, for me to bring it up i the moment. i try to almost never do that, because i prefer to think deeply first. i need to reflect on if something is a pattern of behavior or not before i can decide if it is something i want to talk to them about. Almost always, if i am thinking something is a nearly isolated incident, then okay. i will let that go. If i see it is a pattern, then i speak up.
i examine my own motives and thoughts far more carefully than that.
If i ask for something reasonable, and it isn’t met, i will become resentful. i try to speak up before i let myself become resentful. i try to carefully mange my expectations. still i am finding myself feeling some intense feelings and am trying to just notice them, not edit my thoughts for awhile, see what needs to be spoken.
There was a lot of good stuff over the weekend. The best part was that most days Sir Raven touched me a lot, and that was lovely, and unexpected. We held hands, she wrapped her arm around me, we enjoyed each others company. i did get to go swimming, which is a pretty funny story. Try getting into a pool blind and being stunned that it is 3.5 feet throughout the entire pool. i’ve never heard of that before, even. Sir Raven wouldn’t get it but they had these water shooting toys and we were playing with each other, shooting them up, which means i hit some innocent bystanders when we weren’t alone at the end.
Sir Raven said that we would go to vending at MSC instead, which made me feel for a minute like she broke her promise and then was saying that i didn’t deserve anything (which isn’t what she meant). i pouted for a bit, mainly because of the message i was getting out of it (that i didn’t deserve any treat). Then i shrugged and figured that the right thing will find her at MSC, and that will be nice too.
We were able to support Master Kadden, who did an awesome job presenting and being a guest on a panel discussion. Since that was why we went at all, that was the most important thing to us.
We did not play. i’m having a ton of resentment there. Not at the weekend, because i wasn’t surprised. Just-at how long its been, how wrong i believe that to be. Its hard enough every day! Then- when you are hearing it, hearing women talk about great sex and scenes, and it wakes you up more. In this case, its a hibernating bear of rage, waiting.
Overall, i would recommend TES FEST, but i want to write separately on the event itself, which was very laid back and cool.