Once, at Starbucks, when the Barista asked Karida what her name was, she replied, “My name is Angry. Yes, take the pen and write down Angry.” And he did it. The best part was when the person on the end of the line got her drink finished, he timidly replied, “Um. Angry?”
So, today, my name is Angry.
i meditated. i texted a few friends. i’ve gotten all of the laundry hauled, washed, and put away. i need to do another large load of sheets and towels, but everything else is done. The bed has fresh sheets and i dusted yesterday.
We have a ham and cheese quiche for dinner, with summer salad, fresh berries, and sliced tomatoes and basil. Maybe with some balsamic and olive oil drizzled over it. Out little basil plant has survived. White wine is chilled, candle lit, room cold.
Inside, i’m hitting a wall today. Over and over again.
i’m trying to work the anger out. It takes energy to be angry and passion to feel hatred, for me. i work past exhaustion in the heavy heat, hauling groceries around too. But i have no choice as storms and hotter weather is in the forecast for the rest of the day.
i notice i’m shoving a lot of sugar at my anger.
i smoked, because i could feel the long forgotten fighter rise up in me. The person who once or twice a year would host a “Come to Jesus” meeting-where the asshole who abused me every day would be forced to stand there and take it, face what a horrible person, how insulting, abusive-until i was done. It sometimes took two or three hours. If you walked away from me, you were kicked out of the house. i was 10, and i hated it. It was forced on me. Make them listen to you! Make them hear you. my mother would drunkenly push me, to be more ruthless, more degrading. At 12, i decided to never hit below the belt knowingly again. i have broken that promise to myself once and i feel a lot of shame about that.
But-Goddamn it-i’m hitting that wall.
i had a visit from my Grand today. It didn’t go well. She was calling the fighter out.
Yes, my Grandmother has passed. Many religions and forms of Spirituality encourage and incorporate Ancestor Worship. So it makes sense for her to show up here. It isn’t the first time. But-damn.
What can you possibly say to your Grand besides, “yes Ma’am, of course you are right.”
i need a shower but must wait. i accomplished a lot today but i passed exhausted a few hours ago. Thankfully, Sir Raven bought the a/c and its nice and cold in the living room. The fan is on in the bedroom. i’m determined to have a peaceful night. If i’m stomping around in my head, it’s probably a bad idea to talk.
Today, i’m thankful for our home, and for how hard Sir Raven works at her job. And i’m thankful for Jubilee, who is taking a nap. i am still thinking about getting to ride a tricycle through the lobby, with Sir Raven running ahead and trying to direct me. The best part was when a woman jumped out of the way and onto a sofa because i was going fast, and fast. And happily chanting, “fast and fast” while SR tried to point out when to turn, and it was FUN! Some grumpy ass came out because she was taking pictures and video of me very happy. Finally something fun that i got to do with my boys. Fast and fast. And swimming and swimming.
i managed to thank her so many times, she finally had to tell me to stop, and to stop happily chanting and singing “running and running, fast and fast, swimming and swimming!” (like Rain Man, she said, and we laughed).
i took my sister bear, Georgianna for a ride, in my backpack. 😀
That was a lot of fun, riding that tricycle, making the sighted people MOVE out of my way for a change. Ha ha.
When i think about those things, the anger bubble deflates a bit, and the exhaustion from the day is bigger than anything else. i’m waiting for Sir Raven to walk through the door any minute, ready to serve. 😀