So much Despair

i sent my beautiful Black Butch Master a text, asking her to be extra careful, because of the shootings in Dallas and a Black Lives Matter protest infront of the large Manhattan PD.

i pray for her safety daily.  i light candles.  i talk to Shango.  i try and hold onto my faith.

Today, i feel a lot of despair, a lot of exhaustion.

i am forbidden to attend any protest rally.  i think it is mainly a blind thing, a disabled body thing.  i spent a lot of time in life risking my safety to help create change.  So this feels wrong, to sit back and do nothing.

Not nothing truly-i pray and meditate for Black Lives daily.

i try and be pragmatic about not joining-

If something jumps off, i literally won’t see it coming at me.  i’d be too inclined to use my body as a shield for others.  i’d be at an increased risk.  i could be pushed easily, knocked down easily.

None of those reasons stop me.

Being a slave does.

And-

As much as i need her to beat me with the strap until i cry, i don’t want to have it inflicted on me in anger, because i didn’t obey and made her angry.  i don’t know how to explain this, exactly, but even if she woke up tomorrow with a passion for flogging (which i used to LOVE) i would not be able to enjoy it if that is what she grabbed to beat me in anger.

i wouldn’t be able to enjoy it in that kind of a space.

i’ve somehow managed to develop a taste for the strap.  i hate it, i hate everything about it.  i hate the sound, how it feels, and that i can’t rise above it at all.  i can’t turn it into passion or a burst of adrenelin (sp??) and i’ve tried.  

i have no control over it, nothing but force happening there-

i don’t have any control over my self, my reactions, and there is the fact that i swear to God it makes her dick hard.  She says it doesn’t-but i am a femme.  We know these things.  ❤

For better or worse, i’m a person who responds to force.  

It makes me a very good soother, because i actively don’t want that force and value harmony over everything else.  That base need is there, though.  If i’m a Masochist in any way, its a taste for genuine suffering.  For tears.  For pleading, begging, trying to get into the wall.  For the not being to make it stop, for the word “no” to mean absolutely nothing, for being dragged around.

There is a part of me that needs to release the tremendous stress i’m under.  Sir Raven asked about school last night, i saved her the details, said i’d update her when i had something definitive and was saving her the stress.

i have been handling the back-and-forth email fighting and tracking down for weeks.  It’s tedious.  It is stressful.  Humiliating.

There are the increases in hate crimes and murder by the Nations Police Departments, and i actually need to release some of my fear, anger, desperation, exhaustion.  It’s built up for a very long and angry time-

i need to let go.  i need to go over the edge with her.

i truly doubt it will happen though.  And i understand.  i expected to come behind her work, Spiritual Obligations, and personal relaxation time.  i didn’t expect to also come behind friends, clubs, social events, podcasts, book discussions, and her obsession with youtube videos.  She also edits the podcast, works on her writing for her writers group, and needs to have silent time from me.  All of these things are important.  Necessary.  The time and energy has to come from somewhere, and it comes at the expense of our relationship time.  We are heading into year 5, and i want to start it as a year of growth and honoring commitments.  i need to learn what i can do to improve her home life, something i am always trying to do.  i remind her to write, meditate, laugh, rest, nap, daydream–way more often than i remind her to do S/m, make art together, go on a date, or beg her to fist me.

i think the collar and cuffs will help a lot.  i learned to associate cuffs with calm and quiet energy.  i learned to associate a collar with respect, discipline, love, being wanted.  i need to feel those things-we both do.  We need to reset our priorities, work together on that, because we both need the S/m and connection.

i need to know how to do my part, because i’m already doing all i know how to do, and its not enough to make it happen for us.

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “So much Despair

  1. Cinn says:

    I live in Texas, about an hour drive from Dallas. I’m absolutely heartbroken … And your post/comments also break my heart
    Prayers for peace and love ❤️

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