To understand me at all, you’d have to realize that some values were drilled into my head.
Be a step saver.
Before i ever left a room, i was to look and see what i could be doing. Gather dishes, dump ashtrays, refill drinks, offer refreshments, take garbage, and so on. Even if i was just going to pee, i would hear those words. Every day, all day. i finally got my mother to stop saying it, because of all stupid things, it hurt my feelings that her reminder seemed to imply that i didn’t know how to do my job.
It never occurred to me that it shouldn’t be my job, that all jobs shouldn’t be my job, that i shouldn’t do anything without thinking of what else i could do to serve.
Don’t complain. Don’t ask for help. Don’t express frustration, annoyance, anger. The second my mother felt frustration, annoyance, and anger-i heard:
i’ll knock your teeth down your throat.
i’ll make you wish you were never born.
This were normal events in my life, to hear those words. Perfectly ordinary. It could happen at the slightest sign that i wasn’t cheerful and happy to be finding things to do or being frustrated. The key was in responding the right way, apologize, fix it, apologize again. The worst part was if she made me look at her during her tirades and had to see the raw hatred in her wild eyes. i still have problems looking at people. For many years, i pictured everyone with hate for me so that it wasn’t a surprise when it would happen. If you showed fear, it was on. If you got one totally irrelevant fact wrong, you got beat. If you didn’t agree that you were a humiliating, disgusting, shameful girl that no one would want-you got beat.
Next to that-even the year i was literally kidnapped was easier. That has been on my mind lately because my left ankle is hurting from when i hysterically attempted to somehow bend my foot in some way to get it out of the chain. i still view that as my fault.
i don’t like to think about that chain, don’t like to think about any of that.
So, for me, Sir Raven’s mere energy shift is often enough to make me fix whatever. Very occasionally, i surprise both of us, in baby girl mode and if i didn’t literally sound like a small child i would have gotten a beating for not silently accepting being disappointed. So, yes, she tries to understand when i can and cannot have full emotional control.
She doesn’t understand-or even want to understand-how very deep it is ingrained in me to never be selfish, lazy, unkind, unattractive, emotional. She will get angry when i over fuss on her, mostly when it happens around other people, where she is more inclined to micromanage. Otherwise, my job is to serve and sit quietly on my playpen and find stuff to do but be available to talk or watch something together. This is entirely normal to me.
It is a struggle for me to not feel selfish because i need affection and attention. It is an occasional struggle for me to not become snappy when i she keeps grabbing at me, moving me, directing me around people. i simply don’t like how she touches me when she is annoyed and it is hard for me to grasp that it isn’t really me she is annoyed with. I often feel bad for her, like she got a defective product, and now is stuck with it-because she gets so annoyed.
Just today, when i was apologizing, i was apologizing for being angry and eating her ice cream and for feeling ignored when i should be happy that she is relaxing. Last night, we were watching Criminal Minds, and talked about methods of control and if she experiences greater pleasure the way she has it-or if she had me in a cage. She shrugged. ” Control is control,” she said.
We do directly talk about these things, and sometimes acknowledge what is actually going on. i don’t cook, clean, serve, and do my best all of the time because i always like these things. It is more simply a matter that it’s ingrained in me that this is the right thing to do and i’ll move Heaven and Earth, if i perceive it to be the right thing.
If i don’t honor my commitments, how can i expect anyone else to?