Wow. This explains a lot. You’ve been through hell, and I feel for you… and also… I am struggling to understand what the advantage is of continuing to let your childhood abuser call the shots and effectively still be abusing you even though that is in the past. What would it take for you to give yourself permission to move past the bad conditioning of your childhood? Do you know?
Well, first of all-the abuse isn’t in the so distant past. i only got away from my mother six years ago. The last time my mother hit me, i was 31. Secondly, i don’t view a lot of it as “bad conditioning.” i think it is bad to be lazy, selfish, cruel, and so on. In effect, being good is akin to following that conditioning. Objectively, when i hear the way free women speak to men, when i hear about lazy staff, when i see selfish behaviors-i don’t want to be any of those things. So there is nothing to move past as far as who i was trained to be.
What would the world look like if you were no longer controlled by your mother? If you didn’t still hear her voice calling up the guilt and expectations? How would life be different? How would you be different? How would you be different as a submissive? How would you be different as a friend? How would you be different inside your own head? (These aren’t questions I want answered out loud really, but just for your own consideration…)
It’s not my mothers voice i hear in my head-it is my own. Same demands for perfection, minus the verbal abuse. 😀
Have you ever seen the movie, “Nell”? This is a bit like asking Nell what she would have been like if she hadn’t been kept from the world for 3 decades.
i actually have a ton of respect for myself, because i live closely to my own ideals about what is right and i honor my commitments. i do it when i have every reason, every excuse-to not bother and no one could fault me. My experience of what goes on in my head is that i’m a good girl for getting everything done, being kind and warm, being someone who can be counted on.
What does Sir Raven say about these things?
(I’m actually curious about this.)
Sir Raven thinks my mother is an abusive psychopath, a violent sociopath, and for those reasons will never allow me contact of any form with my family members-even after i am dead. She will often cut me off and actively does not want to hear anything about my mother or my family. She challenges things like me obtrusively checking on her comfort, asking too often what i can do in part because it is programming she didn’t put there. i don’t have a good grasp on time, so i don’t actually know if i just checked with you five minutes ago. My mother liked to be fluffed. Sir Raven just likes things done.
How would her control of you change if you heard what she was saying instead of your abuser from the past? Do you know what I’m saying here? How much of your service is driven by Sir Raven’s preferences and expectations and how much is simply carried over from the distant past? (Again I’m curious about her perception too.)
There is some overlap, frankly, between their preferences and expectations. There is a lot of overlap. They both expected attention and interaction on their terms, and for nothing and no one to come before them. They both expect cheerful and immediate obedience. They both do things like see my hands are already full and give me one more thing to carry. They both complain a lot but don’t want me to complain. They both let me use humor to get through situations. My mother was better at touching me and there were ways i could get her to stop and notice me-like crying, because i can’t make myself cry, or approaching her in certain ways. My mother would often comment on my sexual attractiveness to her and i think Sir Raven would prefer to not know that and that i not need to hear i’m beautiful from her. There is just a lot of overlap between their preferences and ideals of what “good” means-so it would be hard to pinpoint what you are asking.
In general, Sir Raven wants it all to come from her training and from her control but since i’ve had other relationships that are slavery too she is realistic enough that there would be other programming. Sir Raven is also too inconsistent with discipline to rewrite old programs all together; it would require work on her part. Too much work for her when she gets what she wants without bothering. She would like to just live as if there was nothing before her. There are a lot of things that are her preferences, all of the time, that are unique to her-enough that she is satisfied that her training trumps other training.
A major difference is the overall calmness of living with Sir Raven, and not relying on pot to deaden myself all of the time to deal with constant trauma. Sir Raven also takes interest in a hundred small details a day, so its impossible to not be thinking actively about her all of the time. She likes that she can demand something, and it remains that way. When i shower, i’m aware of her because i keep myself perfectly shaved and use only the products i’m allowed to use. The order of the house chores are the order she wants things done in. And so on. So Sir Ravens wants and expectations are always on my mind. That is evidently enough for her, because she does not work with me to rewrite much. There are a few things she has tried to rewrite by chastising me constantly and that simply does not work for me. She isn’t interested in doing what would work and has expressed that she thinks a good slave doesn’t need to be punished to understand things-and i do-because that is the only thing i understand and it doesn’t make the tapes from my mother start up in my head. Constantly chastising me does exactly that, and then makes me shut down.
This is deep stuff, girl. I’m sending healing and love your way.