When i need to make myself small and quiet, i play around on my wishlist. Lots of things on there make me feel happy, little, small. It gives me the baby girl, Daddy’s good girl, kind of energy she likes.
i find i spend more and more time in that space, that when i’m not there she urges it out after a few days. Because i want to please her its ridiculously easy. i should make it harder and i know that-but i can’t withhold for long.
Even when i feel like a bad girl i get the chores done. Yesterday, i didn’t end up going back to bed, which is good as Sir Raven was home sooner than i had expected. i reminded her that she needed to write again, brought her laptop out for her, and sat quietly in my playpen. i ended up taking a shower while i roasted chicken, went out later for the half and half and to take out the garbage and recycling.
‘How many Princesses do you get, Daddy?’ i ask, after she declares dinner was delicious.
‘One,” says Sir Raven, confidently.
“Very good Daddy. Very good job,” i say, with feeling. Then i go saunter off to be good while she goes from watching tv, to her table, to her laptop. i want her attention but am put out from the day before, where she totally ignored me with my head in her lap as i sat on my fuzzy blanket on the floor between her feet. Jubilee explains that this is very bad to Daddy. Very bad job. She has to give Jubilee a hug to make her feel better, because she was there too, waiting for attention.
Today-i don’t know. i have zero energy and feel small and unsettled and sick. Most of the chores are done and there are a lot of left overs in the frig. i have on make-up and a dress she likes and i stamped my curls down into a bun. But i’m not feeling it, not feeling much of anything, just small and tired and defeated and a little mad. i take a picture and scrutinize it, looking for any sign that i look how i’m feeling.