So many lines

i believe there is a thin line between love and hate.

i also believe it can be crossed over, back and forth, at times.  i don’t ever know if Sir Raven has loved me that much, or ever hated me.

i don’t believe any relationship gets many of these windows, but i also believe that everyone pays a heavy price when you cross that line.

i’m a loyal person.

You can see it in my behavior.  i am also realistic enough to understand that i’ve outgrown my use in relationships, and can view that in an objective manner that allows me to accept it as factual information.  In which case, i show loyalty by stepping back.  There are a good many people i love from a distance, more than an in my heart now.

That is not necessarily a wrong thing.

i’m loyal, in that i will continue to keep secrets, regardless.  Hold up my end, regardless.  Even when i stomp around inside my head, my body is doing her bidding.  My body does things every day it should not be able to do.  It shows my love, and my loyalty.

i also think the lines of communication are very frayed and fragile right now.  And i need to give both of us a break, there, because it’s been a very very long time since we had our guards down together as we did yesterday.  i apologized repeatedly this morning after making a remark that i intended to be light, was funny to me, but her guard is down too,and it made her seem angry.  But then i was angry, because i can’t see her face, and she isn’t speaking-so i feel this angry energy shift, but i can’t confirm it in any way that she will agree with.  i apologize, repeatedly.

i need to be aware that her guard is down, too.

One thing i wish for, is the ability to both be able to verbally express positive things about ourselves together.  So, when i say, i’m really excited about Friday.  It’s s/m day, right? i’m very excited for that.  She says nothing.  Her face and energy inscrutable to me.

i think i do a lot of wondering, because she is very far away in her head a lot.

On the plus side, i got to sleep four of five hours later than Sir Raven, but was up this morning to make French Press.  She liked her BLT on the sundried tomato and basil bread so much she requested it for breakfast.  😀  i actually got some deep sleep, we reached out for each other all night.  That confirms to me we both needed the S/m, and-importantly-each other.  God knows, i love the woman.  i’m loyalty to her.  Today, i’m thankful for quickly seeing that i need to be extra warm while her guard is down too.  i’m thankful for the welts and for deep sleep, feeling safe for the first time in nearly two years.  i’m thankful we still need each other.  And i’m thankful for tomorrow being Friday. xo

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