Meta cognition

i’m sitting here, looking at the three piles of sorted and treated laundry on the floor.  i’m still in pajamas at nearly one in the afternoon.  i need a shower before i can do anywhere.

i’m frustrated.

i’ve thrown everything i have at it, to get myself up and out-pain pills, tylenol, coffee.  Everything but the muscle relaxer, because that makes me super sleepy.

i have had to do chores in slow pace, and i’m frustrated, feeling caged inside my body.  The spirit is willing, wanting-

the body is screaming, shutting down.

i sigh and wonder if i’d be up, dusting and changing the sheets, checking things off on wunderlist, not shoving food at myself-

if she was the kind of Master that would come home and beat me for not getting it done.

i have to be honest with myself.  Yeah.  i would.  But only if i was sure that was going to happen.  There is this totally fucked up part of me that thinks if you are not willing to back it up, with force, then you aren’t really serious about what you are saying you want.

i think that someone who was good would just get it done.  Every time.  That is why i try to be consistent, regardless.  Why i force myself to get it done-i want to be as totally consistent as possible.  i want to please her.  Make her life easier, calmer, better.

But there is still this little part of me that grabs the cage and shakes the bars-

like refusing to check of wunderlist randomly, forgetting to text until i’m at the laundry mat and have loaded the wash, eating nothing, eating everything-

i am stimming a lot, rocking, staring, disjointed.  The eating, too, is obsessive and rigid in thinking.  Right now, i’m starting a fast, because i figured out how to keep the calories at the perfect number and after five weeks, euphoria sets in.  And i could use some euphoria.  The obsessive thoughts are always on a very few items-food. smoking. coffee.  sex.

The only thing that breaks through to them is force.  To me, great sex is about feeling forced, too.  But in this context, it boils down sometimes to-am i likely to get the strap for this?  Nope.  Great.  Netflix it is.

After a few runs at the fence, when i know for sure that punishment will happen if i try it, it just becomes another “this is how we do it,” thing.

That being said, there is absolutely shit i get away with.  There are absolutely times she lets me chatter, or beg for things, or just not check off wunderlist, or eat a pie.  Sometimes, i’m thankful.  Sometimes, i’m resentful.  i have to feel, overall, that there are lines i dare not cross.  Or even think about it.

i had a situation, once, where i had to confess even my thoughts.  The wanderlust thoughts always got beaten out, resulting in increased anxiety needing release.  Not an intentional consequence of the training, per se, but very much there.

If Dial-a-Master was a thing, i’d have called an hour ago.  Hell, i might even just have them come by every night, beat me with a belt and tuck me in.  i would hate that, but it would work.  The anxiety would stop, i’d be centered, it would be easy to sit quietly again.  i have seriously thought about asking her to do a 30 Day Challenge with me.  But there has got to be some crazy steep consequences if she Taps out.  We are both competitive people, though, and unlikely to ring the bell.

i’d hate it, though.  Can i say how much it sucks to be in my head today?  Sucks.  😛 i’m taking Jubilee with me to do laundry, if i can ever get it together.


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