i had a super difficult week when the pharmacy ran out of my medicine for pain. My first full day back on meds was a fantastic day helping out at Sir Raven’s Godfather’s Spiritual birthday. It was a 13 hour marathon of dishes, plating food, filling drinks, and happy to be there. i love making the fruit basket, even if anyone could do that job and place it by the Altar. i love listening to Sir Raven play with a little girl there and how she sounds like she does when we are being playful together. i love hugging her Godfather because we hug tight, without any shame or reserve, and its a lovely feeling because i don’t let very many men close to me-emotionally or physically-even though i love men.
i spent the next two full days at the laundry mat. There where our whites for Spiritual events, our clothes, bedding, rugs. Six loads in all. Whew. Sir Raven helped put it away, which was super sweet of her.
Then my period struck. i don’t ovulate on my right side often, but when i do its a rough time of it. i won’t get into gory details but its painful and put me on overload pain wise. i was camped out two days on my playpen, getting up to cook and crawl back into a ball. The second day we realized we were out of coffee and i went to shower. i threw on a sundress to try deal with what seemed like an insurmountable task and Sir Raven stopped me. “Honey, are you sure you can make it? You look like hell-I mean-you always look beautiful but are you sure you can get there and back?” Heh. i felt so bad about being useless that i felt i just had to get this done for her. She had to be up and leave for work at 6:30 the next morning, and i couldn’t have her not have coffee.
We hardly slept that night. She kept waking up to check on me, i think. We were up and i made the french press, relieved to just be up to see her off for her day. Then i crawled back into a ball and cried and nothing helped because my body responded by going into a full flare.
Today was finally great. i got the frig cleaned out and scrubbed, the homemade sauce put up in the freezer, the livingroom dusted, house mopped, errands run. i got one of the big shopping trips done for Sir Raven’s Spiritual Birthday for things i can’t get at BJs that we need. i also thought it might be nice to feed her before her birthday and have snacks in the house for her. We had no food in the house to speak of because of my downtime.
i finally got school dealt with, won the tuition reimbursement, am registered for Fall classes, and have applied for loan deferment. Whew. Mission accomplished at last.
It’s taken me years to learn how to give Sir Raven the kind of special day she wants, accept the micromanagement with grace, and figure out how to prepare for what needs to be done without appearing to fuss over the details in any way. i want her to have a beautiful day and i would do anything to make that happen. i am excited for Friday.
Its going to be a busy week of preparations and making sure she gets enough quiet and down time. It felt really great today when she came home and complimented the house, how the house feels, and her evident joy that things are back to normal as far as me getting everything done. She is also pleased that i managed to finally work everything out for school, which was a huge mess on their end, and resulted in a ton of stress that i left her out of.
On a final note, i was really saddened that i had to delete a comment. This is the first time i felt i had to do this. i will accept a huge range of comments, because Sir Raven and i both feel that the comments are at least as important as whatever we might have to say. It is understandable that a power exchange may illicit strong feelings in people. We both concede things that don’t always feel great and can recognize that there are ways the relationship has elements of abuse at times, and that a total power exchange blurs the lines between what most people would be willing to deal with, even as a slave. We both can understand it when i am called a doormat and can see some truth in that. But i have to draw the line somewhere-and that somewhere is when derogatory words are applied to her. It was my choice to delete a comment that i would have left in tact, except that the commenter called Sir Raven a very crude name.
This behavior hurt me. For one thing, i didn’t think i was sharing anything strange or unusual in our lives. i wasn’t sure what i had done wrong, that i somehow invited this kind of language. It made me feel like i don’t do enough to shield her, though there is much i don’t share, simply because i understand how it would paint her in a unflattering light. i don’t want the blog to be a place where i don’t feel safe sharing because this is the only place that i am honest, upfront, and share how i do feel. There is a lot i don’t talk about to anyone, including Sir Raven, that i write here because its the place i have to share how i feel. Please respect this space. Leave honest comments. Say what you like, but don’t be crude or cruel about her. Keep in mind that i love this woman. If i have never spoken badly to her, never called her a crude word-ever-i don’t think its too much to ask of anyone else. i think i had such a hard time with it that i couldn’t write all week. i still don’t understand what i did wrong to make that happen.