Can a slave leave?

Lindsay asks:

If a slave wants out of a relationship is s/he able to do so? Or do you have to accept that this is the way it is, and that your needs in this area will not be met?

***

This is a question that is very individual in nature.  There are some people who would argue that M/s is just another form of relationship, and can be entered into or exited like any other kind of relationship.

There are some who would argue that one of the main points of slavery itself is the lack of agency to just leave, unless there was some agreed upon reasons where it became absolutely necessary to do so.  For example, many slaves i have known who live closer to a Total Power Exchange have standing orders to get out of the shared home in the event that the Master becomes violent in a manner that threatens the slaves life, including us.

Sir Raven and i have always been in a Total Power Exchange, have always lived with each other and related that way.  When the therapist asked us if we ever relate more as equals, we both turned and looked at each other with blank stares.  Finally, she said that the closest we come to an equal status-ever-is during sex itself.  And that could be a very telling underlying reason for why she made me celibate.

i remember laughing when she said it, mostly because i felt a lack of equality there too, as i never had freedom to touch her in certain ways, initiate or end sex, or influence it in any way.  i can’t even french kiss her, she initiates that-and generally only during a sex act.  So i was mightily amused at her assertion that we were “more equal” during sex.

i can see her point though, in that it was a moment in time where she was worshipful of me.  Aware of the Goddess in me.  Subject to my reactions.  Also, she abstained from ever doing anything anal, simply because i don’t like it.  She could have-something i made plain-but sexually speaking, she isn’t into force.  i don’t think she has it in her to rape, something most people i have known DO have in them, under the right circumstances. i don’t mean that they would grab someone off the street, but that they had no compunction about age regressing me and then doing it.  Waking me up doing it.  Wanting to take regardless of if i wanted to.  That sort of a thing was very normal to me, though i realize it blurs the consent lines all together.  It just doesn’t bother me because those walls have been removed a long time ago.  When i have had sex that troubled me, i mostly just repressed it all together, but i never doubted their right to use my body.

Maybe because of how long i’ve lived as a slave, i would doubt the condition of my slavery if i could just up and leave.  i most assuredly would not feel owned in any true sense, because it would always be there in the back of my mind.

i’ve had people literally hunt me down.  i’ve had people bide their time, placing financial and other obstacles in my way that would force me back, like Sir Raven.  i’ve had people temporarily hold me against my will until my rage passed enough to trust the programming in place.  Regardless of which way it was achieved, i was not just free to go.

If i was truly miserable, unwilling to perform service, and it went on past what Sir Raven could fix on her own-she wouldn’t want me anymore and would release me.  Keep in mind, though, that those things are very relative in that she gets to decide what “miserable” or “unwilling” means and also how to react to it.  If i was walking around and was unpleasant to her or anyone else, or expressed a lack of will to perform service, she would beat me until i did what was expected.  It wouldn’t make a damn to her if she had to do it daily.  She would.  That makes me feel very safe.

Sir Raven wouldn’t chain me to a bed and keep me that way, and because i have had this done to me, it became conflated with love.  Dawn drilled in that it was love that made her want to keep me, regardless of my expressed and repeated wishes which never changed.  Even when i told her i hated her and would rather be dead-and meant it.  It is totally fucked up that this stayed in my head, that love is a chain directly around my ankle, and the idea that Sir Raven simply doesn’t love me enough to keep me at any price.

Service that was begrudging wouldn’t mean anything to Sir Raven.  I would loose all value to her and why would you go to any length to keep a person who has no value?

In an odd way, i think of marriage like i think of that chain that i damn near broke my foot trying to get out of.  It was a useless hysteria, one that continues to cause me pain.  To me, marriage vows are literal and would stay my hand from leaving a person, unless they were doing something that threatened my physical life or sanity.  Being a slave is the same.  The most i have managed to do is remove myself from the harm, regroup, have a childs fit, and return.  By and large, the punishment for leaving was more than i could handle.

While there are aspects of our relationship that cause me great pain and harm, overall i am a happy person with a positive attitude and am always eager to meet her needs and wants.  i don’t know how to be another way.  My own nature seals my fate.  When i try to act against it, i have a life devoid of joy and reason, a life that feels out of control and frightening.  i don’t have another way to relate in the world-this is who i am, who i have literally always been.

 

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One thought on “Can a slave leave?

  1. Lindsay says:

    Thank you so much for answering my question with such a thoughtful response. I appreciate it very much.

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