Whirlwind, inside and out

It’s been a really busy Friday.  i spent yesterday dusting, getting organized, and shredding Masters basket that holds paperwork and stuff that can’t go right out to the garbage.  Then, i gave into my exhaustion, put on pjs and ate popcorn in bed and watched netflix until she came home.  It was her late night, and she got home even later than normal, wolfing down dinner at 9:30.

i was a bit down yesterday from the doctor’s appointment.  i had an interesting adventure getting there, with a very late bus and then the 6 train did not stop at 68th street at all.  i had to get out at 59th and Lexington, go to the window, and ask for help.  i was able to handle it calmly, the attendant was really nice, giving me directions three times and refunding my trip.  She was angry that they didn’t stop at the required stop, and understood that this particular stop was a large maze with multiple ways to get lost.  i have to say, that when you get lost in the subway and figure it out, you feel like a world-class genius.  After that, i still had to figure out how to correctly exit to Hunter College, because i was now coming at it from a totally different angle.  So, i thought a tiny celebration was in order, when i handled all that calmly and was still half an hour early for my appointment.

i went to Bel-Ami and saw cupcakes, my favorite kind, but instead i got a coffee cake to bring home to Sir Raven and an iced green tea for me.  i sat on my second favorite bench by Central Park, pouted a little over wanting ALL THE CUPCAKES and took more meds.

The doctors appointment itself went well.  i had a form i had to have filled out, which Sir Raven had graciously faxed in for me, so they had time and i didn’t have to feel like a pain in the ass at the appointment.  Fortunately, i remembered to bring the originals with me after i rushed through my morning chores.  Sir Raven called to remind me, but was pleased it was already in my purse.  The form is to certify that i’m still permanently and totally disabled, unable to perform any kind of work.  Intellectually, i know it is true, and i’m thankful for the 800 a month it provides.  Emotionally, it feels like being kicked in the stomach.

We scheduled shots again for next month.  i was also told about a surgery that could implant a nerve blocker in my back and that this is an option further down the road, when the shots stop working for less than a month.  i am glad there are still options.

i left the house at noon and got home around 4:30, headed back out to get wine and snacks for Sir Raven.  She had picked up shrimp to make her famous tempura, but realized when she got home at 12:30 that we didn’t have tempura or enough oil and texted me to get that on the way home, which i did.  She fixed dinner and i cleaned everything up.  i almost hate to get tempura shrimp and veggies when we eat out now, because hers is so damn good.

Last night i was feeling a bit emotional, partly from pain and partly from a movie called Telulah on Netflix.  A totally fucked up, rich, addicted woman gave her one year old baby to a complete stranger to watch.  The stranger took the baby and took care of her and the baby naturally bonded where she had zero bond with her bio mom.  At the end, she was arrested for kidnapping, but the cops by this point knew the mother was a total fuck-up, who had zero regard for her child.  It made me think of my boys, how the police had photos of the hoarding house my brother lived in, with loaded guns in every room and drugs stashed in the closet.  At the time, the boys were living with me, and their parents bothered to see them maybe once a month for a day or two.  Even that proved too much and the boys came home to me with severe diaper rashes from not being changed, not being fed, and witnessing abuse.

The police arrested my brother, not for child abuse (which should have happened to BOTH “parents”) but for 26 felonies.  i begged him to give me half custody, so they could stay with me.  My mother bailed his sorry ass out, paid ten grand to an attorney, who stalled things for a year.  My brother refused to give me any rights whatsoever, and the boys continued to live with me, except for the rare occasion that the “mother” would show up high and take them for the day or so.  We lived all of five miles apart, but they didn’t care, didn’t call, didn’t supply anything.  The police showed up with the mother the day after Easter and took them from me.  i saw them twice after that, at supervised visitation for my brother who didn’t use it more than once.  The mother met me two other times, assuring me she never meant to take them away form me.  My youngest-Jacob-called me Mama, even though we desperately tried to get him to say Auntie.  He refused.  His speech was extremely delayed, his walking was extremely delayed, but he was very gifted in other areas like spacial awareness.  Both boys came running to me, crying and yelling for me, at visitations.  When they saw their parents, they had no reaction at all.  i felt bad about that, but the worst part was knowing that from the boys perspective, it must have seemed like their mommy-me-left them.

i tried everything.  Everything.  No one would listen to me.  Not Child protective services, the police, the judge.

Years have gone by and they are likely past saving.  i know that the first 3-5 years is the difference between my boys becoming sociopaths or not.  i don’t know if i managed to break that cycle.  i don’t know what else they have seen.

If i had not lost my sight by that point, i would have literally taken my boys and ran with them.  It would have never crossed my mind that it would be considered kidnapping.  How can you kidnap your own flesh and blood?  The children of your heart, who cry  for you?

With all of this whirling through my head, i tried to sleep, but couldn’t.  i wanted Sir Raven to hold me, but i know she won’t.  She just-won’t.  i must have gotten up and binged at some point, in anger.  Today, i went crazy cleaning ALL THE THINGS.  The house is dusted, fresh sheets on the bed, snacks for Sir Ravens weekend are here, errands run, house mopped fresh, energy clean.

i had a mini panic attack when i couldn’t find my little mothers day diamond pendent that i don’t wear because i don’t have a gold necklace.  i know we are trying to not spent a bunch of money right now because we are headed to MSC at the end of the month, but i feel like i need to have it on me.  i received it for my Brandon’s fifth year of life, honoring my motherhood, and i wore it when both of my boys were born.  All three of my boys have grown up with me wearing it, and it would mean a lot to me to wear it again.



10 thoughts on “Whirlwind, inside and out

  1. Lindsay says:

    Your boys are so precious. I wish so very much that they were still with you, their safe space/their mama. I hope they are okay.

  2. Jayel says:

    Do you have any more old pictures of yourself you’d care to share?

  3. Jade, from one Mom to another, I just so happen to have a gold chain I have never worn that needs a good home. Email me with your address and it will be there in a few days. tigerandbride@gmail.com ❤️belle

  4. olivia says:

    Words just don’t fit what i feel. Sorry, jade. ❤

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