i believe, as a slave, it is my job wherever possible to align my will with my Masters. Unfortunately, there are things i thought were shared values going into this but the reality is my intimacy needs are unmet.
i don’t know how to align my will to hers when her words say one thing and her behaviors say another.
Which will do i align to?
The one where she says she will make intimacy, s/m, touch, a priority-
or the one where those things end up last on the list?
i think that i do okay, for long stretches, and then something inside of me breaks. Mainly, its when i’ve absorbed a lot of stress/pain alone and need her support. i might ask to be held, or for s/m, and get denied outright.
i feel an unreasonable level of hurt, of anger, but-hell-i have no idea what a reasonable level would be in reply to being rejected by the person i love most in the world.
i feel ugly, both physically and spiritually. i wonder what is so wrong, so disgusting, so bad about me that i’m not worth being held. i wonder if i am actually bad for her because i can’t one hundred percent get past these things. Stop needing them, needing her.
It’s all the worse because she wants my child like energy around her, and what she does is exactly the same thing as telling a five year old you don’t want to hug them, cuddle them, or tuck them in at night. That kid is going to figure out some way that it is their fault, and try to fix who they are.
i was human first.
As an adult, yes, i feel entitled to sex and s/m. i know me and i know what i need to best be able to function and feel connected and loved.
As a child, i’m crushed, but i keep reaching in and giving my best, brushing it off, trying harder.
i feel myself shutting down again.
i swing wildly between the self-hatred of binging and the starvation that feels so right.
i feel sick with shame. The insomnia is back. i feel like a bad slave, or at least a bad slave for her. i want to hide, to scream, to shake her, to disappear.
We have these playful moments, these sweet moments, tenderness between us. There is love and the love of being her safe spot, her warm home.
There is the damage of her lies, her empty promises. There is the weight of my need, my shame, my regret for not being able to change who i am more than i have already.
The child part of me is dying again and i’m trying to find any way to keep that alive-for her. Every time i ask to be held when i’m sick, scared, in pain-and get rejected-i die a little bit inside.
The thing is, i’m not sure if i care if that part of me just died off. Sir Raven does. It would just be easier for me to not feel anything and just work, work, work. That is not her will. i tried that once, for months, when i still a warm and dedicated servant and slave, but nothing more. She was miserable.
So, even self-protective gestures won’t work because it doesn’t align to her will and compromises my own values of not taking things away that matter to my Master.
What if i’m just not good for her?