Two things came together and crystalized while we were at MSC.
For starters, all of the excuses were eliminated. She wasn’t stressed about work, dealing with tough commutes, or lost in her own world of 4 hours a day of youtube videos.
She was very negative to me, in general, other than during the formal dinner and the “interrogation.”
The constantly telling me i was wrong, diminishing me, ordering me around in her micromanagement way, as i tried to do All The Things and keep the apartment looking perfect and having everything ready and doing homework. Everyone else got to relax and play board games in the evening. Not only was i unable to play since i can’t see, which feels shitty enough, i wasn’t even considered. As in, it never seems to register to anyone that while they relax, i’m working. i’m constantly thinking too, about how to be a better slave or how to respond to a case study for school.
So, anyhow, two things really hit home for me. In one MSC class, i offered Sir Raven a cold bottle of water, which she accepted and drank. i had my hand out, palm open, ready to receive the water back so she doesn’t have to hold her bottle of water just like i always do. She turned to me, with such disgust in her voice, “put your hand down.” It was delivered in such a nasty way, and it was indicative of many of our interactions, where i’m doing something i always do for her and am clearly looking to communicate adoration and get this disgust and impatience in return. Or i get a polite “thank you” which is her manners, more than anything for me, per se. And i never know what i’ll get.
When i walk by her and pause to kiss her, i don’t know if i will get a “finally, geeze” playful reply or a “hurry up” or disgust-filled “Enough!”
Try living like that and having a pleasant demeanor at all times.
And when i occasionally snap back, let her know i’ve had enough of the bullshit for no reason, i’m painted as a bit Bitch. It’s like no one notices, no one sees, how i’m singled out for an ugly tone and shitty attitude. i don’t know if anyone really sees it or not. i know i do, and since i’m the person in the relationship, that is really all anyone needs to know.
So-the clear disgust happened.
And later, i was sitting with Sir Josh, and remarked that when i’m around him, he makes me think of my brother at times. i love my brother, so its not a bad thing. Sometimes, it is something he has said that is identical to what my brother has said. But there is something else, something i suspect is visual in nature, that my brain recognized as something familiar that i can’t actually see. So, anyhow, i told him that and then i sat there for awhile thinking that i likely made my brother a far more violent sociopath because i have always given him unconditional love.
i made him worse.
And, i think, i might make Sir Raven worse for the same reason. For five years, i’ve begged for the same small things. For five years, i bounce back, very fast from anything she says and does that is uncalled for. i charm, i please, i offer-and then i get into trouble for that, but i’m trying anything to connect with her, to have a dialogue of serving her, to show love and devotion.
Sir Raven and i both agree that the ultimate hatred is truly indifference. And that is how she treats me often-with great indifference. There is no questioning about how i am emotionally, i can’t get her to even bother to say she read here or comment, i can’t count on being able to go to her and get a hug.
What i believe is that there is a thin line between love and hate, and i don’t know how many times a person gets to cross it before the relationship dies. i’ve never felt indifference for her, but i’ve damn sure had times that i wished i could. i’ve certainly felt enough hatred to have to turn it on myself, pouring on pounds with venom. i’m not willing to keep doing that.
It’s not the work, not the service, that has ever been the problem. It’s not being fed in return. It’s watching the child inside of me die again, and again. It’s watching the woman inside crawl up in a ball, want to disappear. And, finally, it’s the rage that is quietly and neatly contained-but its there. i know this is not right, not okay. Tossing more rules and more expectations on me is what has happened before. The root of the issue, disconnection and needing intimacy in all of its forms, never got solved. i let that happen. i let that happen to me.
i don’t know if i have the strength to do anything more right now. i’m still packing the lunch, making the meals, cleaning all the things, speaking softly, working, more working, more papers, more things checked off the list. i just want to be wanted. i need to feel loved. i need to be able to accurately predict my environment. i need someone to want to reach me and not let me fail. All of the weight is on me and i’m tired. i cannot see any way out of the darkness.