i’m taking a much needed break. i finally took migraine meds, which are helping. i took a nap, which i clearly needed. i’ve had a decently productive day, though some things are on hold a bit, while i wait for doctors to call in my meds to i can get them and take my poor macbook into geeksquad for help.
It’s Sir Raven’s late day, and her first day back at work since her vacation started. i feel bad that she had to go back on a late day. However, i didn’t know she was going to get two days at home to chill after MSC, and that was good for her.
i had hoped that something i said would have gotten through to her emotionally, and i made the effort to go to bed shortly after she did and while she was still awake. i can’t very well be hurt or upset that she isn’t bothered to touch me but then limit opportunities to do so. She didn’t.
i feel that overall, when i get to this place where i am insisting on her changing behaviors, what happens is all of the responsibility is put onto me. For example, it somehow became my job to cue her to touch me by asking to sit by her, moving my floor pillow over to the floor by her feet, and waiting for her to touch me in any way at all. When i pointed out with that extra effort on my part, and by the time she gets home sometimes its a big effort to get to the floor by her, she still has ignored me, she instantly replies it isn’t true.
First of all, its true.
Secondly, the onus is still put on me to cue her to do a behavior and accept that i still may be rejected.
i feel like it is when i’d ask my brother to do his one single job-taking out the trash-but then i had to remove the bag, tie it up, remind him, wash out the bin, and put in a new garbage bag. i would always think, “Why in the hell can’t you just be responsible for doing the entire job, from start to finish?”
When Sir Raven has admitted error and causing me damage, it has still resulted in increased responsibility placed onto me in some way. Her changing rules and being even more heavy handed, even agreeing that she gets her needs and wants met the overwhelming majority of the time. The things that are difficult in her life are things i can’t change, like her work stress.
So, again, i’ve gone to her to ask for basics. i need affection, a little attention, an occasionally thing done just for me, an occasional interest in something going on in my life or my head or my dreams. Sex. Sm. The little list are the bare basics, the same ones i’ve asked for ongoing.
That doesn’t make her a shitty person really, any more than it makes me a shitty person for having basic needs. i just can’t let her dump more rules and responsibility onto me until she makes needed and consistent changes. The other choice is for her to have me as a servant only, with no access to my emotions, body, mind, money, or time. She indicated that she didn’t want that.
i know a part of this coming up is the unresolved issues from before, the reparations never made to me or us, and the additional stress of going back to school full time where i have to make nearly perfect grades in both classes. So its a bigger deal right now that i can’t feel supported too because i have a lot on the line. There must be more of a balance emotionally.
On that note, i’m going to lay down. The migraine pill is helping but makes me feel a little strange and sleepy.