It’s been a rough few days, physically mostly. One of the things fibromyalgia does is treat stress like its an invitation to have a massive party. i’ve been running a fever for about two weeks, so i knew the big flare was coming. It did not disappoint.
So, basically, i feel like i have the flu and have spasmed so hard that i couldn’t get up off my playpen to pee. i nearly peed the playpen. My bones ache, my teeth hurt, i feel like shit. All of that pales, though, for how my heart feels.
When Sir Raven came home and had wine, she seemed to notice the shift inside me almost immediately. She told me to bring my floor pillow over by her, felt my head, noted the fever. i don’t tell her no, so it didn’t occur to me. i passively sat there and let her touch me and tried to talk.
In short, she said her husband was a better slave than i am for her. i calmly made it plain that she gave him security with marriage, and she showed him a great deal of respect because he was her husband. She agreed. i told her that she had no idea what kind of slave he would have been for her, if she had never given him the security and respect he needed to flourish. She quit agreeing. Of course.
We went to a class at MSC with a Master and slave couple who had been together for decades, and the Master remarked that he did not care for marriage as a concept, had never cared to be married, but understood this was the level of security his slave needed and it was his job to provide for that need.
The year after that, Sir Raven told me we would get married one day, and i waited nearly two years before she casually remarked one day that she had simply changed her mind because she could leave me a small bit of money in the event of her death without getting married. i was stunned that she never came back to me when she changed her mind, letting me patiently wait, figuring she would properly ask me when the time was right for her.
i don’t think i ever got passed that kind of lie, that total disregard.
i think the worst part, for me, is that i actively don’t trust my biological family for compelling and obvious reasons. It is impossible for me to accept that a person views it as their job to protect me, except for when i could be dying or in an emergency and then have to deal with my mother showing up to create a layer of hell previously unknown.
Sir Raven says, simply, that she “doesn’t want to, never wanted to.” No other thought, no other information. To me, that is a good reason to never see a movie. Just-not interested in that. It isn’t a good reason to make a major life decision for two people.
The problem isn’t just the marriage itself, or not, but its representative of all of the ways she has created a major problem and never cleaned it up, never fixed it.
Some of them are small things, like the way she has talked about taking me bra and panty shopping and never has. Or her promises of things like jewelry, leather corset, really i could make a very long list of things she has said she was buying me-for years-and it didn’t happen.
Some of them are more important, like not making sure that i have the technology i need to function. i waited years for my cell phone. i finally had to go against her and buy my own macbook on a credit card i took out myself.
Some of them are huge-the marriage/handfasting lie, the money lies, the problems she created for me that are major and continue to be my burden to bear alone.
i’ve stood by her.
i shared with her that a part of the reason why is that i do believe in forever, in the sense that i believe love is a choice and a verb, and that each day you are putting in work for the future of your relationship. i believe in forever in the sense that i believe in commitment and i believe in souls finding each other repeatedly throughout lives.
i told her she needs to move into being closer in alignment in my ideas on forever because it is easy to be hedonistic and selfish if you are living in the moment of what feels good right now rather than thinking about each choice being a block you use to build your future.
i very clearly pointed out that her option is to change, or to have me as a servant only-without any access to me emotionally, physically, or financially. i feel fully justified in presenting these choices.
She has made small efforts to actually touch me, which is a starting point. She did actually listen to what i had to say. If she makes real and sustained changes, starts treating me well, gives me what i need, i’d be very surprised. She has very little time to get it together before i decide for both of us.
i can’t silently wait anymore. i can’t pretend that she has done the work.