i’m coming here to try and decompress before i keep going with my day. i had a rough nights sleep, but was up with Master at 7:30 and at least got to have coffee and sit with her before she had to leave for a meeting.
Wednesday is my crunch day, where a lot of work is due, i have the farmers market, a few morning chores still need to be done, and laundry is waiting. i need to get the laundry done today because the rest of the week promises rain and i’d prefer to not lug the wash around on and off the bus or up and down the streets in the rain.
i’m anxious about my Bigs today. i’m trying not to be, because worry added to a situation never helps. Instead, i keep trying to visualize the surgeons hands steady, him waking up feeling well, and everything going smoothly. i got a text out of nowhere a few days ago, which was a surprise because M hasn’t talked to me once since December, when she told me she never wanted me. But these people are essentially my adopted parents in many ways, still the Bigs, and i want only good things for them. The news wasn’t good. i talked to Sir Raven about it briefly, and set about making sure that i’d have a green light to help if i was asked to at some point.
Karida is going well, which is a relief, because she is my Big sister and i am glad her mother is on the mend. i’m glad they get to be together. i’m glad she knows she can always call me, and that we hug over the phone. When she gets home, we will celebrate with honey chicken and a cupcake crawl.
In other news, Sir Raven finally did reach out to my friend, sending a sparsely worded email. It is my hope that they can form an open dialogue because S has been in my heart for a very, very long time. Sir Raven has always said that it matters to her that i have support of my own, but in truth i have very few close or intimate friendships. Karida and i are sisters, and i count that as an intimate friendship. Next to her, i trust Olivia and then Butch. That is different though, from a person who i’ve spent so many years talking to hours and hours each day. It will be months yet before we can finally hug each other, but progress of some kind is happening between the Masters, and that is a great thing. There are times that i need to hear that i’m okay, that i haven’t changed too much, that i haven’t strayed off my path too far, that i’m still me. Sir Raven has friendships that span decades-a few of them-but S is my only one. When other people would call their mother to hear that they are a good person when the world seems too grey, i’d get that from S. i suppose it’s my need to have a Mommy coming out, even though it’s not always comfortable for me to make peace with that idea, because i like to think i don’t need anything or anyone, especially not anything Mommyish.
Sir Raven finally reaching out to her seems like she is moving into acceptance, i hope. She has also made peace with the idea that eventually i will need a service dog, and that it is my goal to do this before i am fully blind. If my eyesight takes another huge dip like it did before, we will look into a helper dog then. If that doesn’t happen again-and i pray not-then the goal is the next couple of years we will have a dog for me. Thanks and Praises to Shango for helping Sir Raven move into acceptance on my needs, even if they don’t always align perfectly with her wishes. It is a big deal for Sir Raven to even agree that she understands a service dog will be a need for me in time, and that she will allow it before i have no other choice, to enhance my experience of life. We may still be here in our little home that we love, and she knows that means there will be times she will have to walk the dog because we have two flights of stairs that i can’t always manage. So, yeah, it is a big deal for her to concede on this one. Just a dog not being a taboo topic is a big deal.
Fall is starting slowly, but it has arrived. Finally. It is my favorite season, by far. Every Fall, though, i remind Sir Raven darkly, “Winter is Coming.” Winter is her hardest season and i’m preparing again. i found a Himalayan Crystal Lamp for 17 bucks at TJ Max, bought a new quilt for her bed because the last one was thread bare, and ordered a portable SAD lamp from Amazon last night. i like the idea that she could take it to work, should she feel the need. i read all of the reviews, everything was good, so we shall see. Sir Raven bought me a new cozy sweater, and two shirts, because i don’t have much that isn’t sleeveless. i’m over the moon about my new cozy sweater, which functions as a kind of security blanket to me while i look like i’m adulting. 😛
Today, i’d rather not be adulting at all. Really what i need is a hard strap beating and a long nap. On that note, i’m going to put on my cozy sweater, walk to the Farmers market for Sir Raven’s treats, and meditate on sending love and light to my friends.