I’ve managed to get caught back up in both classes, and made it through the Midterm, with an A in one class and a B in the other. There should be enough time to get the B up, and there are tests in both classes this week, so that should go well.
I’ve been busy, as i spend at least thirty hours a week in service to Sir Raven (“Doing her Bidding” as we joke at each other) and another thirty hours a week with study, writing, and reading for my classes.
Today i cleaned, showered, get everything for classes logged in for the week in wanderlist, turned in my grades to SR, went to the Farmer’s market for her treats (carrot cake and some fancy cookies), and bought some earrings for Karida and i. i walked two and a half miles, wrote a five page paper, read a chapter, made tacos, cleaned the kitchen again, got her lunch ready, put snacks in her work bag, and just got pjs on–when my Mommy friend said i need to write, so here i am. 🙂
So, yeah, i’ve been busy-
but that isn’t the whole reason i haven’t been here.
After reading this blog, i got a message on my phone, asking a lot of pointed questions about my enforced celibacy, which ended with, “If Sir Raven had sex with you without really wanting to, wouldn’t that just make you a pity fuck?” Frankly, my first thought was, “Bitch, have you seen me? i am nobodys pity fuck. i am incredibly fuckable.” My next thought was to be diplomatic and point out that my disabilities are things that i fight tooth and nail to never have affect Sir Raven’s life-certainly not her ability to play with or fuck me. The bottom line of all of that is that, as i’ve occasionally said in the past, when it comes to me, Sir Raven is lazy and selfish. And that is hard for me to say, because those are two traits that i genuinely hate. So, no, her putting some effort into us would not make me a pity fuck, thankyouverymuch.
i put everything i have in, every single day. That is who i am, how i show integrity, how i am trustworthy. There are times that i wonder if i put effort into the wrong person, but i don’t believe in throwing away five years or the love we have for each other.
i tried to talk to Sir Raven about the remark. She couldn’t understand what my dilemma was. I have to have an incredible level of trust in a person to let them know they fucked up, and i have not established that with this person. So, it became a situation where i just tried to let it go.
The other thing that happened that really hit me below the belt was another friend has a closed group where she thought it would be “fun” to do a little poll about which sense would be choose to loose, if we had to loose one. i was really surprised that several replies posited that they would not want to give up listening to music, or give up scent, because then how would they eat? The same people figured they would be just fine if they were blind like me. Gee. What fun! What a swell game! You know what-it isn’t fun to not see faces, to have problems traveling, to be taken less seriously, to have to disclose to professors why you need help because they came up with some dumb system of highlighting for grading that i can’t have read to me, to feel like a burden, to worry about going to the zoo with a friend because i’ve never been and now she will be forced to babysit me, to not be able to read my mail or a menu or a goddamned book. The thing is, several people in the closed group know me personally and no one considered that it might be really inconsiderate to have this conversation of stupidity right in my face. Once again, i decided to not confront, but walk away.
i have also been concerned about the Bigs, spent a lot of time in prayer and extra meditations for them. M took a video and sent it to me from his hospital room, and i broke down crying like a child. In fact, i have a very childlike range of feelings there-that he shouldn’t be sick, that i should somehow be able to make him smile. i send reiki, i pray, and i have faith-which is all i suppose anyone can do.
Something pretty amazing happened in my online fibromyalgia support group. One woman took two photos of herself, just moments apart-with the mask on that we all wear to make others not have to face how sick we are, and with the “mask off” showing the true pain inside. i suggested that all of us who feel comfortable do it, and she started a movement. It is just….profound. You know the public service announcement that shows people before and after crack addiction and they have nothing in their eyes? It is that level of profound, that heart breaking, but also strangely inspiring-because i make it my mission to try and never look sick. i cry alone. But i was brave too, posting a mask on/mask off photo, and then one in my kitty ears, because everyone knows kitties don’t feel like they are dying, bones aching, desperate for touch and connection and love.
You can really see the pain, the exhaustion, the drooping face, the scared smiles in all of us. The woman who started the movement said she loved my kitty ears, so i’m going to get her a pair to wear. She is a single mom, and so brave for doing this for all of us, and i can’t wait for Karida to get me to the hair store again for her ears.
i focus on using my love to push me to look beautiful, keep a clean house, cook lovely meals, be kind and warm and gentle and sweet-despite it all. i focus on others, buying little treats, showing up for people, being dependable. i refuse to become bitter-ever.
Sir Raven has had a hard few days of back pain. We had actually been flirting with each other a bit, there was talk of a “Bad Daddy” appearance, and then her back went out. Thankfully, i had meds to share, and she is on the mend.
i’ve been so focused on all of my goals that a great day to me means everything is done on my huge list. Two weeks ago, i quietly added a personal goal to walk ten miles a week, and both weeks i walked more than that (12 and 13, respectively). My body and mind need the exercise, it makes my mood authentically lighter and brighter. i am truly inspired by my Shisho Mommy, who amazes me all of the time. That inspiration led to me little resolve to walk more and avoid the giant cookie at the farmers market. See? And i wrote. 🙂