i have wanted to come and write here but just haven’t found any words to say. i’m beyond discouraged, unbalanced, sad, angry, scared, disgusted.
First, millions of Americans voted for a man who is a an abusive tyrant, and one who makes no effort to hide his cruel and divisive agenda of destruction. The day started to bright and instead of a glass ceiling shattering, it was the collective hearts of Americans who believe that our strength is in our diversity.
Within 24 hours of that, on nearly no sleep, we had a very serious medical scare.
i kept bedside vigil, going home only when ordered to leave, basically to cook and clean and “sleep.” It was the first time i had been alone in our apartment at night and when i finally went to lay down, i quite suddenly and strangely felt that i was far too little to be alone.
i was reeling from being an empath in an Emergency Room where the man in the next bed died. i was focused on finding answers to Sir Raven’s long illness, and what the next steps might be for her to be on the mend.
To top it all off, this hospitalization came at the end of my classes, where work still had to be done. i wrote a 16 page research paper on no sleep, half a dozen other last week assignments, and a project for the other class choking down worry, exhaustion, despair.
In the grocery store, i nearly had a meltdown. The song, “She will be loved,” came on, it was the song Sir Raven had turned on after she kissed me the first time. She has made it plain over the years that the music and long emails and passionate dreams she shared with me in the beginning meant nothing. She said that. Nothing.
Of course, i’m never sick at sea, so i came home dry eyed and made a pot roast to bring to her with fresh pjs first thing the next morning. i’ve spent the last two weeks wondering what else i could have done to make her home life better, calmer, easier. The only responsibility that she has and does is to work. i try and remain cheerful, no matter what, even though her tone and energy and dismissiveness often hurts me. i always have a pleasant demeanor. i’m silent most of the time. i follow the expectations and rules she has without any prompting or real worry of anything happening if i didn’t.
Clearly, all of this is not enough, or she would not have gotten sick. That is what i think.
i signed up for a transparent relationship, accepting that there may be times i would be told that something would be discussed later, but never being lied to or withheld from without cause. Now i am left out of the medical loop, as she has insisted on going to appointments alone. It hurts and makes me feel angry, like it will just be another mess i have to figure out how to clean up without the information i need to do it.
i am trying to set those feelings aside, but its hard.
The whole crew did a panel together and i was asked how i am sure my needs are met. i was honest and said that they aren’t, that they aren’t for years at a time, and that this is a chance you take in entering a CNC relationship. The challenge is if you keep obeying and giving in the face of it-or not.
Today, i’m thankful for my crew. They showed up for us when she was sick, i knew that i would have support if i needed it. i appreciate that no one faulted me or felt i was saying anything against Sir Raven to answer the question i was asked honestly. i’m thankful for hearing Sir Raven enjoy laughing and talking and playing cards as i tried to read my book and not forget myself. It is hard when i have the rare chance to just talk to remember to not do that. It shouldn’t be hard, i think, and it makes me feel like i’m bad because i should just be quiet like i am when we are home alone.
i’m trying to not numb out, focus on my studies, because the new classes start up in 7 more days and i need to get through as much reading as i can before it starts. Sir Raven gave me a full day to rest and sleep so i feel like i need to work extra hard. i made an A and a B on my last two classes, which is decent. i am trying, always.